(I won a Community Writing Contest with this Blog Assignment from my English class. So thought I’d share it.)

I grew up in a small village in rural Manitoba. I was the youngest of three children and the only girl. In the 60’s I could play outside all day, but my borders were Mrs. McKay’s house and Mr. Habar’s house. There were no girls in those two houses or the houses in between.  There were boys and I was the youngest child. My grandparents had immigrated from Northern Ireland and Sweden. We lived in an old house that had been moved off a farm and into the village. Wood stove, no plumbing, plaster walls, a kitchen, living room, basement, and an attic, our home. My brothers and I slept upstairs, and my mom and dad slept on the pullout sofa in the living room. My father was an ironworker with a grade 8 education. My mother was an avid reader and loved to learn. My father was a binge alcoholic who loved to fight the world, and the most charming and polite gentleman when sober. While away on construction sites he often would drink, gamble, fight, womanize, and lose all his pay cheque before he could get it back to Mom. Mom ran the home. She had a huge garden that produced what we lived on for the year. But we were poor. Dad’s Irish pride would not hear of his wife having to work.  Our only convenience was a large freezer to freeze wild meat and vegetables for our food supply. The rest was in the basement canned or in the root cellar.

Both my parents came from their own world of disfunction. My father’s family had addictions and depression. His brother committed suicide in the 50’s and my father was hospitalized for three months due to a mental breakdown when I was 9. My mother always held her emotions in check., I only seen her cry once. No hugs but caring. Her father had been a strict disciplinarian and was often abusive in his verbal and physical discipline. My mother’s sister died of a heroin overdose when I was about 4. My Mom often suffered the pain and bruises from Dad’s drunken temper. I learned early to be the good child. I learned early to be the peacemaker. I learned early how to distract my father so mom could go to bed unharmed. I learned early to really want to be happy. I should be happy. All the other kids seemed happy.

1.Survival

Ahhh a feeling of happy. A way to leave my unhappy home. My boyfriend had bought me an engagement ring and wedding ring when I just turned 15. He was controlling, chose my clothing told me who I could be friends with, where I could go to school, and who I couldn’t talk to. But he loved me. He was so jealous of any man I talked to or even looked at too long. Oh my he loved me so.  I learned quickly it was his way or no way, and I loved him. I was sure my love would make him more secure and happy. I had learned to be a peacemaker and a fixer to survive, and I could do this again. So at Christmas of my 16^th year we were engaged. He was working 12 hours a day and 7 days a week. We had financial security and love. Who could ask for anything more? I had done it. I was married, having a baby in the fall, and had my own home and family to care for.  After three years I was crying, banging walls, and hating myself. Dreaming of just being happy but I was just barely surviving. I loved my babies, born 15 months apart, and they made me laugh and smile.

 When I attempted to leave my husband my mother asked, “Does he hit you?” No, he never hit me, he punched walls, broke a knuckle, and said it was my fault for making him mad. “Well if he doesn’t hit you what’s the problem?”. My husband had often said that if I ever cheated on him, I could take my kids, leave, and never come back. Seemed a fool proof plan.  I made up a story that I cheated on him so he would let me leave. He forgave me but held it over my head for 20 years. I survived.

2.Finding Moments of Happy

I found that being in a stressful relationship and living with unhappy people wears on the soul. I am a survivor and one of the things that helped me survive was seeking and holding onto moments of joy. Each summer I spent the month of July with my Aunt Florence and Uncle Jack at their log cabin in Silver Falls. As I lay on my bed in the veranda, the summer breeze blowing gently across my skin, I could hear the rapids flowing, I could see the moon glistening off the water. There were no fights, no drunken arguments, great food, new clothes, and a movie theatre to go to. In their house in town, they had bridge parties and dinner parties with crystal goblets, polished silver, Royal Albert China, and soft green carpeting. At the cabin I would wander through the bush, climbing over the Canadian Shield rock formations, loving the Winnipeg River as it flowed past. I could swim for hours.  To this day, I love and find peace, with rocks and water. I learned to love the beauty of nature. Wildflowers, green moss, and the crunch of leaves on the forest floor. I found joy in the simple and quiet things.

3.Ups and Downs

I have suffered from depression all my life. But sadly, for the first 40 years I was in survival mode. I attempted to commit suicide when I was 25. My mom and dad had passed away two weeks apart when I was 23. My two-year-old nephew had drowned at my home the summer before. My great uncle had passed away at Easter. With three children and a ten-year marriage, I was sure I was a horrible wife, a horrible mother, and a failure as a person. My family would be better off without me. I had no one in my corner. Thankfully my youngest woke up in the middle of the night crying and I went to comfort him so I could get on with my plan. This woke everyone and I was to seek help. An anti-depressant knocked me out. Couldn’t stay awake. So stopped that. There were not a lot of services for mental health patients.  My friends were my savior. They all showed up one morning with coffee and treats and proceeded to clean my house from top to bottom. They made me feel valued. I learned to trust friendships.

4.Medications

I feared medication for my depression.  For one, I feared the addictions that plagued my family. Two, I had heard the numbing effect of drugs like Prozac and Paxil from the world of television and magazine articles. Yeah, the 70’s cure for home maker syndrome. It wasn’t until I had a breakdown at the age of 58 that I once again considered suicide as an end to the pain. My wonderful family doctor and my trusted therapist convinced me that Citalopram would help me way more than any side-affects would hurt me. Wow!! My psychologist helped me love myself. The medication helped me through the severe ups and downs of depression. Both allowed me to think. I quit trying to fix everything. I quit trying to make others happy. I quit assuming everyone found fault with me. I could see the world as it was.

5.Talk to Professionals

Friends and family are great supports, but they love you. They don’t always make you see the reality or the consequences of your behavior because they don’t want to hurt you. Plus, unaware to you, they may have their own triggers and traumas that affect how they treat your needs. So, don’t seek mental health advice from your loved ones. A certified professional psychiatrist, psychologist, or counselor can help you find your reality, your heart, and your spirit again. There is a security and comfort in confiding in someone who has no stake in you except to help you be happy. Although finding a good mental health professional can be difficult, it is worth being patient and getting the help you need. If you don’t “click” with your professional, then move on to the next one. You must be able to trust this person. You must be able to be you with this person.

Find books that are recommended by professionals to help you. These are three that helped me immensely. I thank my psychologist every day for guiding me to books that I can grab on the days when the pit of despair looms just ahead. The Mindful Path to Self-compassion by Christopher K. Germer, Phd., Mind Over Mood by Dennis Greenberger, and The Assertive Workbook by Randy J. Paterson, Phd. Cognitive therapy worked for me.

6.Call for Help

Call for help. Call a friend. Call a family member. In the depth of depression our thoughts are unable to see the positives and possibilities of our lives. We can only see that everyone would be better off without us. Call.

Mobile Crisis Unit Selkirk 204-482-5376

Crisis Response Centre Winnipeg 204-940-1781

Manitoba Suicide Line (24 Hours) 1-877-435-7170

Interlake Crisis 866-427-8628

Anishnawbe Mental Health Crisis Services 855-242-3310

Conclusion

Here I am at the twilight of my life. I am happy. I am at peace. I have no regrets. I have no guilt. I love the me that I have become. I am sorry there was no one to tell a little girl that she was wonderous. I am sorry there was no one to tell a little girl she was perfect just the way she was. I am sorry that little girl didn’t live without fear and constant anxiety. I am sorry she couldn’t feel joy every day of her childhood.

I have children I am very proud of. They have kind hearts and gentle souls. I have taught them to appreciate the beauty this world holds and to always search for their happy. I hope I am an example for them. Dreams do come true. Peace is possible. Love and be loved but above all else love yourself. It is not up to you to fix the world. You are only responsible for your reactions to the world and humanity. Be kind. Be caring. Be compassionate. Breathe. Be at peace.

I realize I am more calm and relaxed when I am near rocks and water. I know it’s because as a child my happiest moments were near rocks and water. The western edge of the Canadian Shield provided the place.

My old Swedish Great Uncles were five bachelors living in a blue cabin built on a huge rock at Brereton Lake. There are pictures of me feeding a squirrel at the age of three. Sitting on the dock with an orange life jacket that looked like balloons tied around me.

My next joyous memory is spending each July at my Aunt Florence’s at Silver Falls. My Uncle Jack built the cottage with 10 inch logs in 1936. It was their first home when they married. I slept in the veranda. I could hear the falls, smell the fresh air, and feel the cool summer breezes. I would wander through the bush climbing over the huge rock formations. At moments, after I was 10, I could wander on my own, I would find a favourite spot where I could sit and stare into the rushing water of the Winnipeg River. I knew peace.

I attended my first movie in a theatre in Pine Falls. My Uncle was a Supervisor at the Paper Mill and they had a new house in the town. Lots of visits and dinners with their friends. No arguments. No heavy drinking. Swimming every day. Great food. New clothes. Adventurous drives to pure sand beaches and picnics. Not one bad memory.

My aunt sold the cabin in the mid-seventies and moved to Winnipeg. Over the years I would drive down the road but I would never pull in. My old self would go through my fears, “What if they tell me to go away? What if I get too upset? What if they think I am an intruder and start screaming at me?” I am not saying the fears were logical. Just real.

Yesterday was Mother’s Day. I had rented a car to drive for four hours to enable me to watch my 13 year old granddaughter in her first role in a community theatre play on the Friday. Next day drove the four hours back, plant shopped, and then drove into Winnipeg for a Bon Voyage party at a pub.

By the next morning I was up and out the door to take photos of my favourite rocks and water spots.

I headed for Pine Falls. Past the farm fields, peat moss fields, forest, and swamps. As I got closer, the huge rock cuts blasted away almost 75 years ago, greeted me. I had reached the Canadian Shield.

I took pictures of the Pine Falls dam, and down to where the pulp wood used to be stored for the now closed pulp mill. The river here is so beautiful. I had breakfast with a dear old friend and then I was on the move again.

I turned into Silver Falls. As I went along I recognized cabins, rock outcrops, and turns. Way more cabins than 55 years ago. A gentleman was jogging so I asked if he would know which used to be the Beatty cabin but he hadn’t been there long enough but directed me to the oldest residents along that stretch. I drove in a driveway I thought might be it. I introduced myself as Carol Hunter, niece of Jack and Florence Beatty. And it was their original neighbour in a new house. His old log cabin was gone and replaced by a new house. He informed me that the old 1936 long cabin of my aunt’s was gone too but Mrs Rusk still lived there at 89. I thanked him and drove next door. Mrs. Rusk was on her front deck with her son and grandkids. As soon as I said who I was she started with stories and memories.

I took pictures and let my memories warm my heart. I regretted not being braver long time ago. But I have grown so much as a person. I know where my zen place is. Rocks and water.

May I be safe. May I be healthy. May I be happy. May I live with ease.

It’s Annual Physical time. At 65 I am very grateful to open my eyes each morning. I have only really taken an interest in my physical health when I got past 45. My mental health at 55.

I have a lot of shit wrong with me. Type 2 diabetes. Degenerative spine, C4/C5 (lower neck). Arthritis. Plantar fasciitis. Chronic asthma/bronchitis caused by 40 years of smoking and long Covid. Severe Vertigo once every couple of years. High blood pressure. Sleep apnea. Low good cholesterol. Severe depression. All require medication, exercise, treatments, and hope.

Some problems are genetic. Both my parents had spinal fusions. Both my parents and brother died of lung cancer. My paternal family had suicides and hospitalizations due to depression.

Some ailments are the result of social economic realities in the first 30 years of my life. No dental care. A daily diet of pasta or potatoes. Living with an alcoholic in the home. Three children born by the age of 22.

But I keep moving. 3-5 km a day or more. Fresh vegetables daily. Chicken/seafood. Due to my love of bread I cannot eat it. I will gluttonize. I try not to buy chips, ice cream, bread, or chocolate anything. All those things become treats when I go out somewhere.

I try really hard to follow my doctor’s instructions. I do physiotherapy and follow recommended exercises. I stay away from fad diets and fad supplements. And I do it all because I love me!!! I have a high quality of life. I can still have adventures. I still love learning. I love my world and all it’s wonders. I love my fantastic family and friends. But more than all that, I love me!!!

Go forth and love yourself to the best of your ability!!

May I be safe. May I be healthy. May I be happy. May I live with ease.

Some times a smile can be all someone needs on a cloudy blah day.

As I walk along, I often meet people and I try to say hi to everyone. But I always smile. Nine times out of 10, even if the person does not say hello back, they will smile.

What a super easy way to make the world a little bit better for one moment. And if you consider all the moments in your day, just think how much joy you can bring to someone with just a smile.

So get out there, remember to be grateful, and smile. And the whole world smiles with you.

May I be safe. May I be healthy. May I be happy. May I live with ease.

Over the winter I unfortunately gained back about 10 pounds of the original 50 pounds I lost. So it’s back to low calorie meals and high energy exercise.

This morning I did a little bit of work around the house. Got some computer work done. Got in a couple of long-distance calls.It was after 11 o’clock and I’m thinking to myself, “Why am I already hungry?”

It was then that I realized I hadn’t eaten my usual two yogurt before I start working. Of course my body is trying to ask me why I have not fed it.

Things have been going pretty good lately. I have few stresses. Loving the weather. Friendships and family are all well. I am feeling pretty healthy and fit. Taking care of myself and enjoying moments.

I am a comfort eater. The words, I was too sick to eat, have never passed my lips. A few chips are delicious. A whole bag is wow satisfying. So forgetting to eat this morning means I have reached that good place where food is necessary for my health. Something I must be cautious not to forget. A new trend. A nice thought.

May I be safe. May I be healthy. May I be happy. May I live with ease.

I raised 3 very successful and kind children. I remarried and helped be there for 3 more. My 6 children met wonderful people and presented me with 14 grandchildren. They too are nice humans. Many ask how I made that happen. Well it was kind of like this.

Randy and I came from low income families. Our childhoods had been affected by alcholism in our families. We both quit school in Grade 10. We were married when I was 16 and he was 19. Raymond was born when I was 17. Tammy when I was 18. Robert when I was 22. I had my tubes tied when I was 23.

I loved being a mom. We laughed and played. We cuddled. I made up for all the years I was never hugged or was told “I love you”. Raymond was the best big brother to Tammy. They played together constantly with few fights. I danced and got excited at each of their accomplishments. Each morning we watched Sesame Street, Mr. Dressup, and Friendly Giant. Then it was time to play outside and just have fun. We collected bugs and garter snakes. Robert came along and thank goodness because Raymond got to get on the big school bus and Tammy was pissed she couldn’t go. But I reminded her that Mommy needed help with this new baby and that calmed her a bit.

My three children are all different. They each have their own strengths and weaknesses. Tammy was a straight A student. Ray and Rob were C+. But they tried their best and I always tried to let them know I loved them no matter what. I loved them unconditionally.

I suffered from depression and often used the children’s play as an escape. Other times I hid in books, reading for hours and hours. Their Dad often worked 10 hour night shifts as a trucker hauling pulp wood to the paper mill. Their father was always defensive and often negative. Randy’s alcholic father often found fault with everything he did. Randy was an alcholic when I met him. But after 10 years of marriage he showed the signs and effects of alcohol. Once in a while the funny, intelligent, romantic man would appear, but too often I had to come up to his measurement of caring. “If you gave a shit about me you would …..” or “I work my ass off and those damn kids can’t do what I ask!!!” But they did learn to work hard, take instructions, and get the job done quickly and correctly.

Randy had a strong work ethic. He could build anything and drive with precision and skill any piece of heavy equipment. My children learned hard work pays. I laughed, I sang off key, I cared for the garden, and orchard, and cleaning of chickens, fish, and wildlife. I took them swimming, to school events. I was a Beavers and Cub Scout leader. Randy was uncomfortable at public events. I think he assumed everyone thought little of him. That his kids would be embarrassed by him somehow. I quit fighting to have him join family activities early in our marriage. But he loved his children dearly. And so did I. And I think that was the key.

Love your children with all your heart. Teach them by example to love and care for others. Love them unconditionally. There is nothing they could do that would change my love for them. And they know that.

May I be safe. May I be healthy. May I be happy. May I live with ease.

I am not dying!!!

I seen a little blurb of this question on Facebook, and it made me think. It responded with, don’t tell anyone. You want to know who treats you well on a regular basis not just if you knew you were dying.

In some ways that is very true. I am grateful for every day I am alive. I am grateful for each day I get to share my love with my friends and family. I do live each day like I may not be here tomorrow. I make sure my children and grandchildren hear I love them often. I make sure my friends know I think of them and appreciate them. For life is fleeting for some.

I live with no regrets. I get as much out of every day, week, month, and year that I can afford to. I remember that most joys don’t cost anything and appreciate a smile, a hug, a word of encouragement.

I found out yesterday a young twelve year old died from trying marijuana for the first time. It had been laced with fentynal. I have lived 65 years. I have loved and been loved. But this child was gone before she could live a life.

Take time to really appreciate the family and friends you have. They can be gone in a second and you can’t get that time back.

When my mother was in Health Sciences Centre on her last day on earth, her brother, that she had been estranged from, came to the hospital. I wasn’t there but I was angry when I found out. Angry with both my mother and my uncle. They loved eachother. They grew up together and seen eachother’s struggles. They knew eachother better than most and yet they waited to the last moments to reach out. I admit that knowing my parents were terminal gave me time to resolve past hurts, forgive, and leave nothing unsaid. It gave my Mom and Dad a gentler passing. It gave me a gentler memory of my parents.

Please treat those you love as if they would be suddenly gone tomorrow. Take the time to ensure they feel your love. For that memory will sustain them when you are gone. Each day I can close my eyes and see my Brian smiling at me. He is with me always because every day he let me know I was loved.

May I be safe. May I be healthy. May I be happy. May I live with ease.

Just when you think that this cold weather is gonna last forever, the snow melts and hope arrives.

Last weekend I was lucky to have that chance to pick up all the dog Pooh that occurred during the -30° weather and the tens of centimetres of snow.

There was a couple of sunny days where everyone wanted to takeoff their jackets. Many were wearing shorts and T-shirts. But tomorrow it could snow. It might be slushy wet snow, but it may snow.

But I do know that that snow will quickly melt and go away. I should not have to bring out my winter parka again until next November.

For now I will continue to dream of green, lots of green against bright sunshine and blue skies. Happy spring everyone.

May I be safe. May I be healthy. May I be happy. May I live with ease.

I have experienced the depths of despair. I have layed curled up under the covers with a towel to cry until my eyes are swollen shut. I have watched my home become a disaster area while I lay on the couch or sit at the computer trying to ignore it. My mind wandering to the guilt of being a horrible housekeeper and disgust in my failure as a human. I have gluttonized on chips, chocolate bars, and ice cream. I have eaten a loaf of sandwiches to fill the empty feeling I have inside me. I have avoided people, socializing, and even going to the store. Leave me alone. I just want to not think. I just want some good feelings, even if they are not good for me.

Now that I have found my happy place, I want nothing more but to have my friends find it too. My heart has ached watching a friend struggle with depression. There is not a better feeling than to see someone who had been a quivering mess of anxiety and trauma, smile at me and tell me how well they did in handling what would have been an extremely stressful problem. For them to smile and say, “I got this!!”

When our friends have accepted therapy and are working hard to manage those extreme emotions, it is so important to be there for them. I acknowledge when I see them succeeding in putting their therapy into practice. It’s a hard journey that has so many ups and downs in the beginning. Finding the right therapist, finding the right medications if needed, and finding the positive people you need around you. And of course having to distance the negative people in your lives, emotionally if not physically. I recently had a friend smile and tell me, “My dad is going to be the same negative person he always has been. I have accepted that that may never change. And I have learned that he fights his own battles inside himself. I don’t have to let them affect how I feel about me. I am a fantastic person. I won’t let his pain spread to me. I know I love him no matter his faults. I can have compassion for him instead of anger. I can see he is starting to be less confrontational. At least we can be at the same family function and I don’t become a crying screaming mess. I am in control of me and my reactions. I love it.”

If you are on your journey to happy make sure you find those people who get you. The people or person who loves you unconditionally and will always be there for you through the ups and downs. But mostly for the ups, when you are being the best you can be. You need that support and recognition of your hard work.

If you are watching someone’s journey be the positive light, the warm hug, and the “WTG!!!” friend.

May I be safe. May I be healthy. May I be happy. May I live with ease.