My goodness this series of blogs is daunting. Soon this history presentation will conclude with the point made. Hopefully. 😃

When I got back to Brian’s, he was doing dishes. So as he was washing, I grabbed a towel and started drying them as tears poured down from my eyes. I just didn’t know what I was going to do. Should I try to find someplace where I could rent a room? Do I sell my car? What would Randy turn it into if I didn’t pay?

Brian looked over his shoulder at me and said, “Why don’t you just move in here? We see each other as often as we can as it is because we love each other.”

I tried to dry my tears and tell him that I didn’t want him to ask me to move in with him just because I was desperate for a solution to my problem. He just smiled at me and said, “I’ve been wanting to ask you this for a long, long, long time. I really want you next to me as often as you can be with me.” That was a lot of words from my Brian so I could do nothing but say, “Yes, I will definitely spend as many moments as I can with you!”

And so on May 1 of that year I moved in with Brian. That summer when my daughter Tammy came home from university and got a summer job in Beausejour she rounded out our little family. The three girls learned how to care about each other, and how to manage another sibling. It wasn’t all pretty. There were multitudes of adjustments but Tammy and I loved Brian. We were happy.

Randy agreed to $250 a month child maintenance and he would pay the lawyer costs. We used the same lawyer. I moved in with Brian. Brian paid the mortgage. I paid the hydro and water.

What a wonderful year. Thousands of moments filled with pure happiness. My friends and family were so happy for me.

Then a small fear crept in. It crept in slowly but something was wrong.

Brian and I had always had a very passionate and fulfilling sex life. But there was almost a sense of him avoiding any contact or closeness. When the days passed, I finally got up the courage to ask why he no longer found me attractive. He started to cry. He confessed that ejaculation was extremely painful. I held him and told him to go to the doctor. It should never be painful.

He just turned 40 that summer. When he went to visit his family doctor the next week, he was examined and told that his prostate was the size of a plum. He then went to a cancer specialist, who confirmed that he was in stage four prostate cancer. His cancer had metastasized to his bones and some of his organs. The only way to slow it down was to get a medical castration or physical castration. Brian‘s only response when we went to visit the specialist was, “ I came into this world with my balls I’m going out with my balls.”

He didn’t remember a lot of the words that the specialist said so I was glad to have been there with him. Watching him go through the stages of anger, fear, and acceptance was one of the hardest times in my life because I couldn’t fix this. The only thing I could do was be there when he needed me.

Because Brian had always been very active, he had a labor intensive job, played baseball, walked lots, and helped out on the farm, he never had the outward appearance of having terminal cancer. The first trip back to his family doctor after the diagnosis confirmation, his doctor came out to the waiting room, threw his arms around Brian, and with tears running down his face said, “I’m so sorry I never ever thought to check and test.”

In the year that followed my youngest son turned 18 and came to live with us. Brian loved having another man in the house. We had a great 41st birthday party with all his family and friends. In the spring I was graduating from my Administrative Assistant course. That fall was the College’s graduation ceremony and dinner at the Fort Garry Hotel. I had graduated with honours.

“Hon? Take me to the mountains. I’ve never seen the mountains.”

“We can’t afford to take a trip?” he laughed.

“ I have some savings, just leased a new car, and you have an insured credit card. If I have to ask each of our friends and family for $10 each we can do this!!”

Again laughing and shaking his head he responded, “And I know you would!! But your graduation?”

“Graduation is just the moment after the completion. I’ve done that. But I haven’t seen the mountains for the first time with the man I love. It’s a perfect time in the off-season to go to Banff. And soon sadly you won’t physically be able to enjoy it, so it’s time to put your achy sore ass into my car and join me to enjoy the mountains.”

And off we went!!

To be continued…

May I be safe. May I be healthy. May I be happy. May I live with ease.