There are some days that I don’t feel very confident in my abilities. I question how I do things. I question how I complete tasks. I even question my way of thinking.

I do appreciate that I am very well respected by my coworkers, friends, and family. Well, I should say I am respected by most of them. I am not conceited enough to assume everyone likes me.

Something occurred recently that has kind of thrown me a little bit. Oh hell, it threw me a lot.

I have always been aware in the last 10 years, of all the triggers that can happen that set me off. Whether it is with anger or with depression, often a simple statement or action can take me back to a time I lived in fear.

Growing up with the alcohol abuse in my family, I had two reactions as a child. Fear and guilt. Some days you’re just a carefree kid playing outside. The next time you’re tiptoeing around, trying not to wake up anybody, or trying not to get anybody angry, or trying not to cause any problems, or trying not to make any sounds. Your mind races to how can I fix this? How can I make everybody be calm? How can I get everybody to just go to bed without hurting each other? What if I don’t do it right and somebody gets even madder at me? Or even worse, what if somebody gets angry because I’m upset and blames the other one, and they all start fighting and the circle just keeps going around until I don’t know what to do or what to say!!!

My parents passed away when I was 22 years old. My fear and guilt of them fighting were gone. My first husband passed away when I was 41 from alcoholism. He could not directly cause me fear and pain anymore.

The nightmares continue to this day. But I can’t control that.

I learned to live with some of the guilt. Some of my choices had caused me so much pain. But with my Brian’s help, and a lot of years of recovery and therapy, I learned to be able to deal with the triggers, the fears, and the guilt. I learned to love myself again. I am an intelligent, caring, loving, energetic, crazy, happy human.

Recently someone, I care very much about, scared me. Threatened me with their anger. All the old fears and the old emotions gripped my heart. I screamed, and I yelled, and I cried. All the fear of getting someone angry, and the guilt that maybe I should just not talk. I should just not say, I should just be quiet. Along with, why can’t you just listen? And am I not worth five minutes of your time before you get mad?

It only took me a few hours after the incident to calm myself, take a big deep breath and say, I promised myself to not live in fear. I promised myself to not fall into a tunnel of guilt. I am due respect because I respect others. I have the right to be listened to just as I listen to others. I can have relationships without fear and guilt.

Each day is a struggle for people who suffer from depression. It’s so easy to go backwards. All those recognizable emotions such as fear, guilt, and sadness can almost be like a long lost friend.Or maybe a long lost enemy. Breaking that old familiar feeling.

So today I had a fantastic day. I laughed. I smiled. I helped people. I am a good person. I care about people. I love my family and all is really quite good with the world.

So yes, I will not be scared to speak. I have no fear. I have no regrets and guilt. Those who really care will listen.

May I be safe. May I be healthy. May I be happy. May I live with ease.