I have fought one single thing most of my life, fear. Fear is what can motivate us or freeze us in our tracks.

Too often, I am triggered back to memories of extreme fear. Not knowing what was going to happen next. Scared for the consequences of others actions, and of my own. For the first 40 years of my life, I was scared, even as I accomplished things and went to school, had friends, interacted with other people, my life was still always guided by fear.

I learned I am really good at motivating others. Reminding them to be brave. In enforcing that they can be whatever they want to be. They can do whatever they set their mind to. I remind them that they are brave and strong and able. I think that the reason that I do this is because it was exactly what I missed as a child.

I lived in a constant crisis mode. Everything I thought, every choice I made, everything that I did, from the time I woke up to the time I went to bed, was preparing for what could go wrong. I had to keep the peace. I couldn’t add to all the other things that were going wrong around me. If I was the catalyst to a family argument, or something going wrong, or just causing havoc of one kind or another as kids do, I would lie at night wondering what I could’ve done different. Going through the scenario 100 times of what if this would’ve happened, what if that would happen. And that fear just never ever went away.

I was in my mid-20s when my parents passed away. I had a family of my own, but I still constantly worried that they would drink, they would fight, and I wouldn’t be there to stop them. More than once I got a call that Mom was black and blue and dad was extremely remorseful. I hated to worry about what these two adults were doing while I was trying to deal with my own family.

My husband and I just continued the cycle of fear. If I did this, he might get angry. If I did that he might get angry. Every decision that I made or that I guided my children to make was to avoid making my husband angry. When he was mad, he would break things. He would have a reason to drink more. He would lay all the blame for his anger on me, or the consequences of having to be with me and our children. It was a constant and never ending circle of guilt, anxiety, and fear.

After 17 years of marriage, I was finally brave enough to leave. Leaving took away some of the anxiety, but he made sure that his actions forever affected me until the day he was gone.

I met my second husband and learned what unconditional love really meant. There was no fear. There was no jealousy. There was only caring and understanding. We didn’t agree on everything, but we respected each other‘s opinions and choices. We advised each other. We didn’t order each other. Our extended family was generous with their love and their caring. My daughter and my youngest son got to see families function with kindness, sincerity, and a really good sense of humor. It was a wonderful time.

After my first and second husbands passed away, one of alcoholism and one from prostrate cancer, I finally learned to be brave. I got a new career. I travelled to Europe. I left the fears behind. But I had never truly dealt with the scars that had formed from 40 years of fear and guilt. The therapy and medication treatments in the last 15 years have me living a pretty serene life. I have six healthy, successful, intelligent children. I live a very active busy life as a semiretired Early Childhood Educator. But….

A few weeks ago, I had an altercation with someone I care very much about. His anger brought all the fear back in a moment. I went back in time when I feared saying something wrong. Something that would trigger them to be angry. Something that would start everybody mad and yelling at each other. It surprised me how deep I felt that fear again. Fear I hadn’t felt for almost 20 years. It’s even hard to explain.

A friend came over one day this summer and was helping me with something in my garage. He was getting a little frustrated with something that wasn’t going quite right. I said, “ I have to tell you something. I came from a life of Can’t you see I need some help? to If I needed your fucking help, I’d ask for it!! So soon as I have to make that decision on whether to help or not help I have to be told. Or I panic.”

Had the same conversation with Brian when he was changing the toilet in our bathroom and he was getting very very angry at the toilet seal and I started to cry. He asked me why I was crying and I said, “ Because I have been taught that there’s only one right way to help. But I don’t have any idea what that is.” I was back to can’t you see I need your help. To if I needed your freaking help, I’d ask for it.

So here I was a few weeks ago, crying and screaming for about 5 minutes. Cried for another hour or so and then calmed. It is not my job to fix another’s ability to cope. I am only in control of my actions and reactions.

I am a wonderful person. I deserve to be respected and cared about. I never have to interact with people who scare me into silence. Even if I love them with all my heart. Being back 30 years to that crying screaming scared woman was what I now feared.

I am not that scared child. I am not that scared wife. I am not that scared mother. I am Carol. The best I can be. Taking on life with bravery, kindness, and understanding.

May I be safe. May I be healthy. May I be happy. May I live with ease.