(This was written over a year ago. Only published now)

I know I continuously talk about finding happy. Well I fell into the pit hard.

I could feel in the last couple of weeks that stresses were increasing. I was becoming more tense with any changes, sad interactions, angry interactions, and conflicts at work.

I was caring too much with the illusion that only I could fix things. When I couldn’t fix everything I condemned myself for failing. My usual happy cheerful self, definitely went the wrong way. I was harsher, less patient, and wasn’t choosing my words well. Be kind and gentle is a false motto if I was not keeping my thoughts and actions calm.

I recognized the stresses building, and I asked my employer to schedule me a definite break. I didn’t realize how bad I was until one failure on my part brought me back to my childhood.

When I was a kid the most horrible times of my life was when I couldn’t stop crying. Mom and Dad would have a fight, I’d be laying in my bed trying to cry against my pillow. Eventually my dad would come in, sit on the edge of my bed, and tell me to stop my goddamn crying!! If you can’t quit crying, I will give you something to cry for!! My dad often hit my Mom while drunk so the fear was real.

The hiccoughing gasps as I tried to stop crying. The sobs begging for air. My throat aching. Wishing the sobs to stop.

When dad got up and left, and it was quiet in the living room, I knew that Mom had had time to go to bed. It would be quiet soon.

The morning would have Mom and Dad pretending nothing happened. My swollen red eyes and puffy face would bring a look of guilt to my Dad’s eyes. I would do something silly or cute to make him smile. I didn’t want my Dad to be sad because of me.

I never wanted anyone to have pain because of me. I would always be the fixer. The helper. Never be the cause of pain or sadness.

That plan didn’t work out so well. Depression makes a person constantly think that they are hurting other people. Everything becomes your fault. Everything bad is caused by you. There’s no excuses, no rationalizations, no logical reasons. Only a horrible person could cause that much pain to so many people.

Two days ago I caused a person I love trauma, and all the hatred of myself came flooding in. I was supposed to be the kind person. I was supposed to be the good person. I crumbled in self hatred.

So I start my road out again. I know I have to climb out of the pit. I am a good person. I am a kind person. But I have to remember to be kind to myself. When I’m feeling the stress is building I have to be able to stop and acknowledge that my behaviour is not what I want it to be.

I have to hope my friends and family know I would never intentionally hurt them but that I am human. A very imperfect human that needs to forgive herself some days. Okay like today. 🤪😃 Or maybe tomorrow.

May I be safe. May I be healthy. May I be happy. May I live with ease.