As a teenager, I remember my boyfriend, who later became my husband, stating that if I walked on the outside of the sidewalk next to the traffic lane, I must be showing people that I don’t care about him. And that I have no commitment to him. So a condition of making him comfortable, and confident that I cared about him, meant that I had to consciously watch where I walked.

This was the beginning of a very, very, conditional 17 year marriage and 25 year relationship. The most horrible condition after I was brave enough to leave, was the 7 year estrangement of my two sons. Their father’s condition for them was strict loyalty to keep him safe and feeling loved.

I was very, very blessed to meet a wonderful man named Brian. We were both nervous because we had both been involved with very assertive partners. As a result, we both held onto our thoughts and our fears for the relationship. We knew we were both comfortable with each other, laughed a lot, and just enjoyed each other‘s company. Our first few months were completely platonic.

We were both so used to having to deal with conditions in relationships that we were scared.

We finally overcame those fears on one wonderful night or maybe we both had a little too much to drink. It’s very true to say that the walls came down.

He made me feel safe, cared about, and loved. My happiness was a priority to him. It didn’t take long for him to reveal to me that I made him feel safe, cared about, and loved. And his happiness was definitely a priority to me.

I truly loved my first husband because I could see the positive attributes that he possessed. And I did know he loved me. But because of his insecurities, I was required to constantly prove that I loved him. I had to constantly prove that he made me happy. I had to constantly prove that I didn’t want another person. It was 25 years of fear. And as recently as three months ago, I still have nightmares about not meeting his expectations of caring.

I once joked that Brian could come home from work and see me sitting naked on the couch with a man and his response would be him smiling at me and saying, “ I gotta hear this story.” It was not ever even remotely considered that I didn’t want just him, and he didn’t want just me. Our love was so secure. Arguments were minimal if at all. We actually only had one angry argument in our five-year relationship, and that was with regards to the immigration policies of Canada. My stand was that as a socialist his comments were pretty right wing.

Other than that, we had a couple of heated discussions, but they were immediately resolved. When you’re not having to defend what you think, then you actually have conversations, not conflicts.

I have been alone since 1998. I’ve dated, I’ve had some relationships, but with each of them, there was so many conditions again. So many assumptions, and so much baggage.

My advice to friends and family, is to be grateful if your partner believes that you love them. Hope that they love themselves enough, to believe they are worthy of your love. When these factors are in your relationships, love becomes unconditional. It just is.

On Brian‘s headstone is the statement. God‘s greatest gift is love. And it’s such a precious gift that has to be accepted by each of us. And it starts with living a life that you are proud of, and happy to share.

May I be safe. May I be happy. May I be healthy. May I live with ease.