There are some days that I don’t feel very confident in my abilities. I question how I do things. I question how I complete tasks. I even question my way of thinking.

I do appreciate that I am very well respected by my coworkers, friends, and family. Well, I should say I am respected by most of them. I am not conceited enough to assume everyone likes me.

Something occurred recently that has kind of thrown me a little bit. Oh hell, it threw me a lot.

I have always been aware in the last 10 years, of all the triggers that can happen that set me off. Whether it is with anger or with depression, often a simple statement or action can take me back to a time I lived in fear.

Growing up with the alcohol abuse in my family, I had two reactions as a child. Fear and guilt. Some days you’re just a carefree kid playing outside. The next time you’re tiptoeing around, trying not to wake up anybody, or trying not to get anybody angry, or trying not to cause any problems, or trying not to make any sounds. Your mind races to how can I fix this? How can I make everybody be calm? How can I get everybody to just go to bed without hurting each other? What if I don’t do it right and somebody gets even madder at me? Or even worse, what if somebody gets angry because I’m upset and blames the other one, and they all start fighting and the circle just keeps going around until I don’t know what to do or what to say!!!

My parents passed away when I was 22 years old. My fear and guilt of them fighting were gone. My first husband passed away when I was 41 from alcoholism. He could not directly cause me fear and pain anymore.

The nightmares continue to this day. But I can’t control that.

I learned to live with some of the guilt. Some of my choices had caused me so much pain. But with my Brian’s help, and a lot of years of recovery and therapy, I learned to be able to deal with the triggers, the fears, and the guilt. I learned to love myself again. I am an intelligent, caring, loving, energetic, crazy, happy human.

Recently someone, I care very much about, scared me. Threatened me with their anger. All the old fears and the old emotions gripped my heart. I screamed, and I yelled, and I cried. All the fear of getting someone angry, and the guilt that maybe I should just not talk. I should just not say, I should just be quiet. Along with, why can’t you just listen? And am I not worth five minutes of your time before you get mad?

It only took me a few hours after the incident to calm myself, take a big deep breath and say, I promised myself to not live in fear. I promised myself to not fall into a tunnel of guilt. I am due respect because I respect others. I have the right to be listened to just as I listen to others. I can have relationships without fear and guilt.

Each day is a struggle for people who suffer from depression. It’s so easy to go backwards. All those recognizable emotions such as fear, guilt, and sadness can almost be like a long lost friend.Or maybe a long lost enemy. Breaking that old familiar feeling.

So today I had a fantastic day. I laughed. I smiled. I helped people. I am a good person. I care about people. I love my family and all is really quite good with the world.

So yes, I will not be scared to speak. I have no fear. I have no regrets and guilt. Those who really care will listen.

May I be safe. May I be healthy. May I be happy. May I live with ease.

My family, my friends, and just about anybody else that will listen to me, has heard me say, “It will all work out in the end.”

That seems like a really easy thing to say, but it’s actually the most important phrase in my life.

Too often people are fighting to find solutions to a problem. Or they’re angry and hurt and upset because everything seems to be going wrong. Or they are heartbroken because of one disaster after another. They feel like they have not had a chance to get a break. Some feel that some higher power is punishing them. Many, including myself, have cried because they know they are basically good people. Why the frig can’t something go right???!!!!

I have learned that first my mind and body have to calm the fuck down. So I breathe and repeat, “It will all work out in the end.”

Think. I have the ability to change some things. I am not in control of anything or anyone but me. Accept the things you cannot change.

Let go of the need for only good outcomes. Learn from working through the bad ones.

You will realize how resilient you are. You will realize how strong you are. You will be amazed at how much time, energy, and sleep you lost being miserable and unable to think.

Learning meditation really taught my mind and body to clear, to relax, to restart my problem solving skills. Instead of going over the worries, reliving the trauma, and spiralling down, I could think. I could plan. I could accept and reject. I was in control again. In control of me.

Be grateful always for Mother Earth, your friends and family. Problems are only situations you have not yet found the solution for.

May I be safe. May I be healthy. May I be happy. May I live with ease.

After that series of six blogs I took a bit of a rest. It’s been a bit of a roller coaster in the last month or so. A few ups a few downs. A lot of sadness around me. And trying to be unaffected by it all. I have been on an eating binge and that has definitely affected how I feel. Comfort eating is never a good thing when you are type two diabetes, and have arthritis in almost every inch of your body.

So one of the things that I did do was to have a goal to work towards, and something to keep the excitement in my life. I booked four nights and five days in Las Vegas, Nevada. It was super cheap and it was a place with no snow.

With passport in hand, I was off to the city of lights and city that never sleeps. Or something like that. Everyone questioned why I was going because they know I don’t gamble. And it’s true Vegas is definitely known for gambling and casinos and betting. But I love Live theatre shows, and the great magic of nature. So off I went booking Cirque de Soliel shows and tours of the Grand Canyon and Antelope Canyon. In one day on the strip, I walked 18 km. My tours took 10 to 14 hours and started at the wee hours of the morning.

I was in photography heaven. It was everything I dreamt of and more.

I’ve now added flying in a helicopter into the Grand Canyon, going down to the Colorado river, and watching the beauty around me. But I think it’ll take a bit of planning for the next budget. It’s a costly adventure.

Remember to never put off until tomorrow what can be accomplished today. It’s working towards a goal that matters.

May I be safe. May I be healthy. May I be happy. May I live with ease.

Brian survived through the winter but finally had to accept that his last days would be in the hospital. He was determined to make it to Mandy’s graduation on June 29th. With the help of his brother Wayne we attended. Brian slept through the unimportant parts but was awake to see her accept her diploma, have supper with his pumpkin and Rayla.

On July 1 I got the strangest call from the hospital. Brian wants me to go to the farm and get the van. Apparently he wanted to go watch the Lac du Bonnet fireworks. This fireworks was an hour away. It attracted at least 20,000 attendants. Some filling the town. And others filling the river in boats. How would I get Brian, his wheelchair, and his daughter, Rayla, anywhere within walking distance of the fireworks? I had to try to figure out how I was going to be able to get this man close enough to see the fireworks. Trying to get him even close in a wheelchair would be blocks walked and it was already getting dark.

I remembered Randy and I used to launch a boat on the other side of the river. My only hope was to be able to get across the bridge, down on the other side of the river, and find someplace close enough to see the fireworks. Luckily there were other people who knew where they were going, and I followed them into a field across from the Lac du Bonnet dock. Poor Rayla attempted to watch the fireworks from the top of the van, but was chased back in by the mosquitoes. After the fireworks, we drove home. Brian was awake the whole trip, talking and laughing about our adventure. At the hospital I got him back into the wheelchair and back safely tucked into bed.

Two weeks later, Brian was gone. I had just left the hospital to go home and rest for a while when the hospital phoned for me to come back. The nurse came with me as I sat down beside Brian, held his hand and said, “Goodbye. Love you hon.” And then I said, “That’s the first time you never said love you back.” As I looked at the nurse I could see tears running down her face. This was a small town hospital that Brian had been born in. This is where he died. His funeral had over 300 people. He was well loved and liked in his community.

He was gone. The kids and family were all with their significant others. Everyone went back to work. I was alone.

I had two choices. I could mourn for the past or be grateful for my present and future. I chose to pretend to function and work hard.

I had gained so much because of Brian’s three beautiful daughters and the craziest loving in laws a woman can hope for. I gained a Mom who loved to hug and made me always feel great. Dad was the giggling grumpy old man that smiled just like Brian. His brothers and sisters carry so much of his traits and mannerisms.

This family and the girls could have abandoned me after Brian was gone but instead they made me feel loved and cared about. I was invited to every event, every milestone, filled with laughter and great food.

Because of Brian I met families that could enjoy a beer or a glass of wine and never get drunk. Just made them laugh harder.

Most of all Brian gave me three women I love very much.

I think I have finally travelled towards the conclusion of this blog series.

While Brian and I were together I was truly happy. I still had my traumas, my bouts of depression, but he was my calming influence. I would have those moments when he held me, that I was safe from anything that could hurt me in the world. It took me at least 20 years to find happy again after he was gone. I had kept very busy with family, friends, and work. I was the epitome of get on with life.

Then his Mom died, my job went through major changes, and life. I had my breakdown and my long road back to happy.

I didn’t face issues when Brian died. I survived. When my closest link to Brian left me I was devastated and grieved both Brian and Mom.

Through a lot of really great help from my psychologist I learned to leave grief in the past and enjoy all those happy moments, for there were truly thousands.

And I continue to enjoy and love my wonderful family. So when the grief comes back to haunt you, remember those cherished moments. Share those moments with family. Allow yourself to shed a tear.

When I start feeling down I remember Brian’s words in a little different way.

And then God said, “I can’t change how much Carol feels Brian’s loss, but I will give her a beautiful, loving, caring family. She’s needed one of those.”

May I be safe. May I be healthy. May I be happy. May I live with ease.

It was a good thing that Brian was driving when we got to the mountains just past Canmore. I was in heaven. There was more rocks and water than I had ever seen in my entire life. I was so happy we had our little discount coupon book and away we went.

Banff was absolutely beautiful. We stayed at the Caribou Lodge that had a Keg restaurant. Every day we were out walking and enjoying the beautiful fall time weather and the beautiful mountains. Spaghetti Factory. Little Irish Pub. And like all tourists, we walked in and out of the souvenir shops, found things to buy the girls and found things for us to take home. We were going to go up to the Summit by gondola. But on the way, we found this little grassed area that had deer just wandering all over through it. We could see Banff below us and the huge mountains that surrounded us.

As we sat in the peaceful morning sun, holding each other, and just each of us in our own thoughts, watching the deer walk slowly through the trees. Brian looked at me and said, “I have some thing for you, hon.” He reached into his pocket and picked out two $5 jade souvenir rings that he had picked up at the souvenir shop.

And then he said one of the longest speeches I’ve ever heard that man say.

“Carol Hunter, I love you more than I ever dreamed possible. You are what makes me smile every morning when I wake up. I know we planned on a very very long life together but I want you to know that my love will last forever in our hearts. I will always be watching over you and the girls.” And with that vow he placed the ring on my finger and gave me the other to put on his.

We both sat there, holding each other, slow tears running down our faces, but unbelievably happy with the person that we were each with.

We decided to go back down to the town and have a lunch and Brian could have a rest. The gondola trip would happen later in the afternoon. As most people that are familiar with the mountains in October, it can be extremely nice and warm and comfy down in the valley, but on the top of the mountain, it can be pretty chilly and frosty. As we got up to the top of the summit, Brian looked at the long staircases that reached up to the tallest looking point possible. I said, “Hun be careful. This is a tough go.”His response was, “No I want to make it to the top.”

So we did it slowly, he rested often. I could see that he was getting cold which meant that he was getting more achy but I was there to support his goal of getting to the top and that is exactly what he did. He looked so proud of himself. But all I could see was a very sore man in a lot of pain.

We went back to our hotel room. I ordered in supper and put Brian in a bathtub. We were going to move on the next morning to Armstrong to visit a friend. But in the morning Brian looked at me and said, “Honey I am so sore. I am so so hurting. And my response was, “And it’s a good thing that I have my little discount book. Apparently there’s a really nice hotel and hot mineral spa in Moose jaw. I’ll give them a call right now.”

That morning we were off and heading for Moose Jaw.

Brian loved the luxury. He had a good nights sleep and rested most of the day. That night he sat in the hot in-suite mineral spa tub. A rubber ducky floated around him. The hockey game was on the tv and he had a cold beer in his hand. As I came out of the bathroom he was smiling from ear to ear, “I’m pretty sure this is what heaven will be like.”

And that was Brian. After all the anger. After all the why me. After all the guilt of putting me, his girls, and his family through watching him die. After all that, Brian summed it all up with a little speech that he again surprised me with.

I was washing dishes, and he was drying dishes, when suddenly out of the blue, he says to me, “ I have finally figured out why God chose to give me cancer. God goes along and randomly kind of picks people that are going to have cancer. But as God was going along, God got me and God went oh I didn’t mean to do that. I can’t change it now though, so what should I do? At that moment, God said, I can’t change it but I can give him Carol.”

I threw my arms around him and held him close, and I said, “Honey that was so beautiful. How many times did you have to practice that?” He said like twenty. We laughed and laughed and hugged each other and remembered that we were just happy to be.

The next part of the story really will be me getting to the point I started working towards. It will be the conclusion.

To be continued…

May I be safe. May I be healthy. May I be happy. May I live with ease.

My goodness this series of blogs is daunting. Soon this history presentation will conclude with the point made. Hopefully. 😃

When I got back to Brian’s, he was doing dishes. So as he was washing, I grabbed a towel and started drying them as tears poured down from my eyes. I just didn’t know what I was going to do. Should I try to find someplace where I could rent a room? Do I sell my car? What would Randy turn it into if I didn’t pay?

Brian looked over his shoulder at me and said, “Why don’t you just move in here? We see each other as often as we can as it is because we love each other.”

I tried to dry my tears and tell him that I didn’t want him to ask me to move in with him just because I was desperate for a solution to my problem. He just smiled at me and said, “I’ve been wanting to ask you this for a long, long, long time. I really want you next to me as often as you can be with me.” That was a lot of words from my Brian so I could do nothing but say, “Yes, I will definitely spend as many moments as I can with you!”

And so on May 1 of that year I moved in with Brian. That summer when my daughter Tammy came home from university and got a summer job in Beausejour she rounded out our little family. The three girls learned how to care about each other, and how to manage another sibling. It wasn’t all pretty. There were multitudes of adjustments but Tammy and I loved Brian. We were happy.

Randy agreed to $250 a month child maintenance and he would pay the lawyer costs. We used the same lawyer. I moved in with Brian. Brian paid the mortgage. I paid the hydro and water.

What a wonderful year. Thousands of moments filled with pure happiness. My friends and family were so happy for me.

Then a small fear crept in. It crept in slowly but something was wrong.

Brian and I had always had a very passionate and fulfilling sex life. But there was almost a sense of him avoiding any contact or closeness. When the days passed, I finally got up the courage to ask why he no longer found me attractive. He started to cry. He confessed that ejaculation was extremely painful. I held him and told him to go to the doctor. It should never be painful.

He just turned 40 that summer. When he went to visit his family doctor the next week, he was examined and told that his prostate was the size of a plum. He then went to a cancer specialist, who confirmed that he was in stage four prostate cancer. His cancer had metastasized to his bones and some of his organs. The only way to slow it down was to get a medical castration or physical castration. Brian‘s only response when we went to visit the specialist was, “ I came into this world with my balls I’m going out with my balls.”

He didn’t remember a lot of the words that the specialist said so I was glad to have been there with him. Watching him go through the stages of anger, fear, and acceptance was one of the hardest times in my life because I couldn’t fix this. The only thing I could do was be there when he needed me.

Because Brian had always been very active, he had a labor intensive job, played baseball, walked lots, and helped out on the farm, he never had the outward appearance of having terminal cancer. The first trip back to his family doctor after the diagnosis confirmation, his doctor came out to the waiting room, threw his arms around Brian, and with tears running down his face said, “I’m so sorry I never ever thought to check and test.”

In the year that followed my youngest son turned 18 and came to live with us. Brian loved having another man in the house. We had a great 41st birthday party with all his family and friends. In the spring I was graduating from my Administrative Assistant course. That fall was the College’s graduation ceremony and dinner at the Fort Garry Hotel. I had graduated with honours.

“Hon? Take me to the mountains. I’ve never seen the mountains.”

“We can’t afford to take a trip?” he laughed.

“ I have some savings, just leased a new car, and you have an insured credit card. If I have to ask each of our friends and family for $10 each we can do this!!”

Again laughing and shaking his head he responded, “And I know you would!! But your graduation?”

“Graduation is just the moment after the completion. I’ve done that. But I haven’t seen the mountains for the first time with the man I love. It’s a perfect time in the off-season to go to Banff. And soon sadly you won’t physically be able to enjoy it, so it’s time to put your achy sore ass into my car and join me to enjoy the mountains.”

And off we went!!

To be continued…

May I be safe. May I be healthy. May I be happy. May I live with ease.

This seriously did not start out to be some kind of you know six part series. So I’m hoping that I can get my point across before I run out of pages and readership.

That spring just before Easter break my coworker was getting married. And if anybody knows what happens in Manitoba, the first thing a couple has to do is have a social. The social is where you pay to get in, you dance a lot, you drink a lot, and then maybe you pay for a couple little raffles, the proceeds go to help fund the new beginnings for the couple.

I asked Dennis and Mary if they wanted to come, and then I asked Brian if he wanted to come. Then I bought the tickets. Well, Dennis and Mary were driving because Dennis didn’t drink. But I must say that Brian and I drank a lot. We danced a lot. And we sure laughed a lot.

Well, on the ride home, let’s just say that you mix close proximity, alcohol, and two people who haven’t gotten laid in a long time, we kind of got to know each other better in that backseat of Dennis and Mary’s car.

The next morning we planned our first “date”. Just the two of us. And we never looked back. We were hook, line, and sinker. We spent every moment together that we could. We discovered that we were compatible on all levels. But mostly just at peace with each other.

We were raising our daughters. He understood my tears when Mother’s Day or the boy’s birthdays made me over sensitive. But he was always there to give me that smile, hold me gently, or remind me how much I was loved.

For the first time in my life there was unconditional love. No jealousy. No fear. When he looked into my eyes I felt like I was the most beautiful woman in the world.

For my daughter’s 18th birthday I received divorce papers and a demand for child support for my son. I earned $500 too much to receive legal aid. His lawyer was asking for $600 a month child support. That was half my take home pay. When I said I would agree to pay for any school supplies, clothing, etc. the response was, “Isn’t your son worth $600?” There was no child maintenance income based rates then. The amount was negotiated through the courts. Randy was an alcoholic. I went to consult a lawyer, she wanted a $5000 retainer. I drove back to Brian’s sobbing. Not knowing how I would pay rent, pay my car expenses, and help my daughter in university.

To be continued..

May I be safe. May I be healthy. May I be happy. May I live with ease.

I had remembered Brian from high school. My grade nine homeroom was just down from the grade twelve section. This was the early 70’s. The grade twelves in our school had their own smoking/ tv room, with their own vending machines. I developed early and had been “dating” since I was 12-13 yrs old. I remember Brian standing at his classroom door laughing with Gordie, Grant, and Al. We often ended up at the same parties but I didn’t really know him. Then I got busy with my own life after grade 10 and 17 years of marriage.

As I walked into the Legion that day, I realize that I definitely recognized Brian Buss as he was walking from the bar. Then I realize that he was sitting with my friends, Mary and Dennis, who had invited me to join them. As I sat down and was introduced, I told Brian that I had known him in high school. Well, from that moment on, he realized I knew just about everybody he knew. And not only that but I had grown up in Tyndall with not only his first wife, but also his second. His ex sister-in-laws had been in my schools growing up.

Not only that, we discovered that his daughter Rayla was named after Ray Hurrell who when I was little would care for me when my mom and dad went hunting. His wife was Lucy then. But he had married Brian‘s mother-in-law Bea. Hence Papa to Rayla. Small world.

We definitely hit it off. In the next little while if I happened to be in the Beausejour/Tyndall area, he would suddenly kind of show up at different things that I was at and especially if Dennis and Mary were involved. They were definitely manipulating the visits a bit.

This was early January. I was living an hour and a half away at the time. Let’s go for coffee was a long drive for both of us. Come over to watch Jets hockey was a late night out with work the next day. The phone calls increased just to talk. Finally while intermission of the Jets game I asked, “ are we just friends or more?”

Shyly he explained that the last time he had made a move on a friend, he had lost the friend. He explained that he really liked me and enjoyed our time together always. And he didn’t wanna lose that. And even though he was extremely attracted to me, he was extremely careful not to get hurt again. Plus he had come out of two very strained relationships.

And so we remained good friends seeing each other almost once a week until that didn’t quite work for us.

To be continued….

May I be safe. May I be healthy. May I live with ease.

This summer I will have been a widow for 25 years. In that 25 years, I’ve met a couple of people that I enjoyed spending my time with, but never met anyone that came close to my husband, Brian.

Once in a lifetime, we meet that person who can make us feel the most attractive that we’ve ever felt, the most loved person in the world, and the person that gets you. Our love was unconditional. No jealousy. No anger or fear. Just joy.

In the five years that we got to spend together, we only had one argument. And that argument was absolutely ridiculous yet important to me at the time. It was a debate on the immigration policies of Canada and the amount of Vietnamese boat people that were now taking up residency in Winnipeg. I remember yelling at him that for a so called socialist he was pretty closed minded to the plights of the world. By that evening we were laughing. We had calmed down and had a discussion. And we called the girls to tell them we had a fight. They were pissed they missed it.

My first marriage was to a very troubled 19-year-old only a few months before my 17th birthday. I became a wife. Within the next five years I had my three children. I loved being a Mom. My husband worked hard to provide for his family, but he suffered from alcoholism and low self-esteem that unfortunately resulted in being an extremely controlling and angry man. He judged my every word and action. Any moment could turn into not loving him right. From how I made his toast and peanut butter to how I dressed, and who I said hi to.

My friends young husband and brother were killed in a plane crash. They were the same age as we were. When he got home from work I ran into his arms crying. My thoughts had been for my friend now left to raise two small boys and wanting to just be grateful that my husband was here. As he asked me what was wrong I said Louie’s plane had crashed. Before I had a chance to say anything else he asked angrily, “ And who the hell was he to you that you are crying this hard?” I learned not to go to him for comfort ever.

We were married 17 years when I finally had to just leave. I had been beaten emotionally until I had attempted suicide twice. His alcoholism made him extremely paranoid. He loved me. I’d loved him. But he was killing himself with alcohol and taking me with him.

Leaving him cost me seven years from my boys. Their dad was definitely a “You’re either with me or against me” kind of guy. He was so hurt and angry that I left that he wanted to see me miserable. He knew that as a mom the worst thing he could do was keep me from my boys. If it hadn’t been for my daughter, I don’t know what I would’ve done.

I had to live through almost 2 years of hell after I walked out that door. But then someone came into my life that made me happy for the first time in a relationship. It started in Beausejour Legion with a Celtic rock band called the Dust Rhinos.

To be continued.

May I be safe. May I be healthy. May I be happy. May I live with ease.

Definitely a snowy blowy day today. Yesterday I was very lucky to get a Cortizone shot in my right shoulder. My right arm has been bothering me for almost 2 months. I tried physiotherapy and medication and nothing would clear up the inflammation around my rotary cuff.

I have a very high threshold of pain, but at times it was a good eight out of ten level. I am definitely hoping that this Cortizone will relieve some of the inflammation.

I’ve had my arthritis in different stages since I was 12. I have learned to deal with the day-to-day aches and pains. Of course the damp, cold, low pressure days can be a little bit more stressful, but generally I can tolerate it.

You add my arthritis to a degenerative spine condition, which causes pain from my C4 and C5 vertebrae, and I’m just a barrel of monkeys. Oh, and don’t let me forget about my planter fasciitis. And you have to also include my type two diabetes, which causes funny little tingling in my feet and lower limbs that apparently is caused by the nerve endings being damaged. My sleep apnea is controlled with my handy dandy CPAP machine.

And of course there is also the vertigo that I get attacked with every couple years, plus I seem to get pneumonia about every 3 to 6 months, and apparently I suffer from some severe depression at times.

Yet each day my goal is to have the best time and manage to do the most exciting things that I can that make me happy. I have learned over the years that if I don’t move I seize up. And the more I seize up the more depressed I become.

Sadly, during a bout of depression, my go to is food and eating. And it’s usually all the bad foods that I can’t eat a lot of. So I eat the chips, ice cream, bread, and chocolate bars, and feel the effects from my high blood pressure, type two diabetes, my arthritis, and my weigh scale. I have an extremely slow metabolism. That means that long as I’m exercising and not eating starchy and high sugar foods, I can maintain my weight. But soon as I add any really good stuff, then I gain weight. I have always tried to stay around 1000 cal a day if I’m losing weight. About 1500 cal a day if I want to maintain my weight. When I get into my depression, I will eat until I have an aching stomach, feel nauseous, and I am totally uncomfortable. I have been to the point where I could hardly fall asleep because of over eating.

Today starts my road to getting better. First thing I did was find something exciting to look forward to. Something that I need to be in shape for. Something that will make me feel good both inside and outside. So I’m doing a 5 km foam bubble race fundraiser run for the Make a Wish Foundation in July!!

Unfortunately, every day is often a struggle. I can give into it and destroy myself both mentally and physically. Or I can remember all the other wonderfully great things that I have in my life. The beauty, the kindness, the people, and the joys that I experience every single day. Today I choose me. Today I can move. Today I can eat well. Today I can strive to do my best for me.

May I be safe. May I be healthy. May I be happy. May I live with ease.