Brian survived through the winter but finally had to accept that his last days would be in the hospital. He was determined to make it to Mandy’s graduation on June 29th. With the help of his brother Wayne we attended. Brian slept through the unimportant parts but was awake to see her accept her diploma, have supper with his pumpkin and Rayla.

On July 1 I got the strangest call from the hospital. Brian wants me to go to the farm and get the van. Apparently he wanted to go watch the Lac du Bonnet fireworks. This fireworks was an hour away. It attracted at least 20,000 attendants. Some filling the town. And others filling the river in boats. How would I get Brian, his wheelchair, and his daughter, Rayla, anywhere within walking distance of the fireworks? I had to try to figure out how I was going to be able to get this man close enough to see the fireworks. Trying to get him even close in a wheelchair would be blocks walked and it was already getting dark.

I remembered Randy and I used to launch a boat on the other side of the river. My only hope was to be able to get across the bridge, down on the other side of the river, and find someplace close enough to see the fireworks. Luckily there were other people who knew where they were going, and I followed them into a field across from the Lac du Bonnet dock. Poor Rayla attempted to watch the fireworks from the top of the van, but was chased back in by the mosquitoes. After the fireworks, we drove home. Brian was awake the whole trip, talking and laughing about our adventure. At the hospital I got him back into the wheelchair and back safely tucked into bed.

Two weeks later, Brian was gone. I had just left the hospital to go home and rest for a while when the hospital phoned for me to come back. The nurse came with me as I sat down beside Brian, held his hand and said, “Goodbye. Love you hon.” And then I said, “That’s the first time you never said love you back.” As I looked at the nurse I could see tears running down her face. This was a small town hospital that Brian had been born in. This is where he died. His funeral had over 300 people. He was well loved and liked in his community.

He was gone. The kids and family were all with their significant others. Everyone went back to work. I was alone.

I had two choices. I could mourn for the past or be grateful for my present and future. I chose to pretend to function and work hard.

I had gained so much because of Brian’s three beautiful daughters and the craziest loving in laws a woman can hope for. I gained a Mom who loved to hug and made me always feel great. Dad was the giggling grumpy old man that smiled just like Brian. His brothers and sisters carry so much of his traits and mannerisms.

This family and the girls could have abandoned me after Brian was gone but instead they made me feel loved and cared about. I was invited to every event, every milestone, filled with laughter and great food.

Because of Brian I met families that could enjoy a beer or a glass of wine and never get drunk. Just made them laugh harder.

Most of all Brian gave me three women I love very much.

I think I have finally travelled towards the conclusion of this blog series.

While Brian and I were together I was truly happy. I still had my traumas, my bouts of depression, but he was my calming influence. I would have those moments when he held me, that I was safe from anything that could hurt me in the world. It took me at least 20 years to find happy again after he was gone. I had kept very busy with family, friends, and work. I was the epitome of get on with life.

Then his Mom died, my job went through major changes, and life. I had my breakdown and my long road back to happy.

I didn’t face issues when Brian died. I survived. When my closest link to Brian left me I was devastated and grieved both Brian and Mom.

Through a lot of really great help from my psychologist I learned to leave grief in the past and enjoy all those happy moments, for there were truly thousands.

And I continue to enjoy and love my wonderful family. So when the grief comes back to haunt you, remember those cherished moments. Share those moments with family. Allow yourself to shed a tear.

When I start feeling down I remember Brian’s words in a little different way.

And then God said, “I can’t change how much Carol feels Brian’s loss, but I will give her a beautiful, loving, caring family. She’s needed one of those.”

May I be safe. May I be healthy. May I be happy. May I live with ease.

It was a good thing that Brian was driving when we got to the mountains just past Canmore. I was in heaven. There was more rocks and water than I had ever seen in my entire life. I was so happy we had our little discount coupon book and away we went.

Banff was absolutely beautiful. We stayed at the Caribou Lodge that had a Keg restaurant. Every day we were out walking and enjoying the beautiful fall time weather and the beautiful mountains. Spaghetti Factory. Little Irish Pub. And like all tourists, we walked in and out of the souvenir shops, found things to buy the girls and found things for us to take home. We were going to go up to the Summit by gondola. But on the way, we found this little grassed area that had deer just wandering all over through it. We could see Banff below us and the huge mountains that surrounded us.

As we sat in the peaceful morning sun, holding each other, and just each of us in our own thoughts, watching the deer walk slowly through the trees. Brian looked at me and said, “I have some thing for you, hon.” He reached into his pocket and picked out two $5 jade souvenir rings that he had picked up at the souvenir shop.

And then he said one of the longest speeches I’ve ever heard that man say.

“Carol Hunter, I love you more than I ever dreamed possible. You are what makes me smile every morning when I wake up. I know we planned on a very very long life together but I want you to know that my love will last forever in our hearts. I will always be watching over you and the girls.” And with that vow he placed the ring on my finger and gave me the other to put on his.

We both sat there, holding each other, slow tears running down our faces, but unbelievably happy with the person that we were each with.

We decided to go back down to the town and have a lunch and Brian could have a rest. The gondola trip would happen later in the afternoon. As most people that are familiar with the mountains in October, it can be extremely nice and warm and comfy down in the valley, but on the top of the mountain, it can be pretty chilly and frosty. As we got up to the top of the summit, Brian looked at the long staircases that reached up to the tallest looking point possible. I said, “Hun be careful. This is a tough go.”His response was, “No I want to make it to the top.”

So we did it slowly, he rested often. I could see that he was getting cold which meant that he was getting more achy but I was there to support his goal of getting to the top and that is exactly what he did. He looked so proud of himself. But all I could see was a very sore man in a lot of pain.

We went back to our hotel room. I ordered in supper and put Brian in a bathtub. We were going to move on the next morning to Armstrong to visit a friend. But in the morning Brian looked at me and said, “Honey I am so sore. I am so so hurting. And my response was, “And it’s a good thing that I have my little discount book. Apparently there’s a really nice hotel and hot mineral spa in Moose jaw. I’ll give them a call right now.”

That morning we were off and heading for Moose Jaw.

Brian loved the luxury. He had a good nights sleep and rested most of the day. That night he sat in the hot in-suite mineral spa tub. A rubber ducky floated around him. The hockey game was on the tv and he had a cold beer in his hand. As I came out of the bathroom he was smiling from ear to ear, “I’m pretty sure this is what heaven will be like.”

And that was Brian. After all the anger. After all the why me. After all the guilt of putting me, his girls, and his family through watching him die. After all that, Brian summed it all up with a little speech that he again surprised me with.

I was washing dishes, and he was drying dishes, when suddenly out of the blue, he says to me, “ I have finally figured out why God chose to give me cancer. God goes along and randomly kind of picks people that are going to have cancer. But as God was going along, God got me and God went oh I didn’t mean to do that. I can’t change it now though, so what should I do? At that moment, God said, I can’t change it but I can give him Carol.”

I threw my arms around him and held him close, and I said, “Honey that was so beautiful. How many times did you have to practice that?” He said like twenty. We laughed and laughed and hugged each other and remembered that we were just happy to be.

The next part of the story really will be me getting to the point I started working towards. It will be the conclusion.

To be continued…

May I be safe. May I be healthy. May I be happy. May I live with ease.

My goodness this series of blogs is daunting. Soon this history presentation will conclude with the point made. Hopefully. 😃

When I got back to Brian’s, he was doing dishes. So as he was washing, I grabbed a towel and started drying them as tears poured down from my eyes. I just didn’t know what I was going to do. Should I try to find someplace where I could rent a room? Do I sell my car? What would Randy turn it into if I didn’t pay?

Brian looked over his shoulder at me and said, “Why don’t you just move in here? We see each other as often as we can as it is because we love each other.”

I tried to dry my tears and tell him that I didn’t want him to ask me to move in with him just because I was desperate for a solution to my problem. He just smiled at me and said, “I’ve been wanting to ask you this for a long, long, long time. I really want you next to me as often as you can be with me.” That was a lot of words from my Brian so I could do nothing but say, “Yes, I will definitely spend as many moments as I can with you!”

And so on May 1 of that year I moved in with Brian. That summer when my daughter Tammy came home from university and got a summer job in Beausejour she rounded out our little family. The three girls learned how to care about each other, and how to manage another sibling. It wasn’t all pretty. There were multitudes of adjustments but Tammy and I loved Brian. We were happy.

Randy agreed to $250 a month child maintenance and he would pay the lawyer costs. We used the same lawyer. I moved in with Brian. Brian paid the mortgage. I paid the hydro and water.

What a wonderful year. Thousands of moments filled with pure happiness. My friends and family were so happy for me.

Then a small fear crept in. It crept in slowly but something was wrong.

Brian and I had always had a very passionate and fulfilling sex life. But there was almost a sense of him avoiding any contact or closeness. When the days passed, I finally got up the courage to ask why he no longer found me attractive. He started to cry. He confessed that ejaculation was extremely painful. I held him and told him to go to the doctor. It should never be painful.

He just turned 40 that summer. When he went to visit his family doctor the next week, he was examined and told that his prostate was the size of a plum. He then went to a cancer specialist, who confirmed that he was in stage four prostate cancer. His cancer had metastasized to his bones and some of his organs. The only way to slow it down was to get a medical castration or physical castration. Brian‘s only response when we went to visit the specialist was, “ I came into this world with my balls I’m going out with my balls.”

He didn’t remember a lot of the words that the specialist said so I was glad to have been there with him. Watching him go through the stages of anger, fear, and acceptance was one of the hardest times in my life because I couldn’t fix this. The only thing I could do was be there when he needed me.

Because Brian had always been very active, he had a labor intensive job, played baseball, walked lots, and helped out on the farm, he never had the outward appearance of having terminal cancer. The first trip back to his family doctor after the diagnosis confirmation, his doctor came out to the waiting room, threw his arms around Brian, and with tears running down his face said, “I’m so sorry I never ever thought to check and test.”

In the year that followed my youngest son turned 18 and came to live with us. Brian loved having another man in the house. We had a great 41st birthday party with all his family and friends. In the spring I was graduating from my Administrative Assistant course. That fall was the College’s graduation ceremony and dinner at the Fort Garry Hotel. I had graduated with honours.

“Hon? Take me to the mountains. I’ve never seen the mountains.”

“We can’t afford to take a trip?” he laughed.

“ I have some savings, just leased a new car, and you have an insured credit card. If I have to ask each of our friends and family for $10 each we can do this!!”

Again laughing and shaking his head he responded, “And I know you would!! But your graduation?”

“Graduation is just the moment after the completion. I’ve done that. But I haven’t seen the mountains for the first time with the man I love. It’s a perfect time in the off-season to go to Banff. And soon sadly you won’t physically be able to enjoy it, so it’s time to put your achy sore ass into my car and join me to enjoy the mountains.”

And off we went!!

To be continued…

May I be safe. May I be healthy. May I be happy. May I live with ease.

This seriously did not start out to be some kind of you know six part series. So I’m hoping that I can get my point across before I run out of pages and readership.

That spring just before Easter break my coworker was getting married. And if anybody knows what happens in Manitoba, the first thing a couple has to do is have a social. The social is where you pay to get in, you dance a lot, you drink a lot, and then maybe you pay for a couple little raffles, the proceeds go to help fund the new beginnings for the couple.

I asked Dennis and Mary if they wanted to come, and then I asked Brian if he wanted to come. Then I bought the tickets. Well, Dennis and Mary were driving because Dennis didn’t drink. But I must say that Brian and I drank a lot. We danced a lot. And we sure laughed a lot.

Well, on the ride home, let’s just say that you mix close proximity, alcohol, and two people who haven’t gotten laid in a long time, we kind of got to know each other better in that backseat of Dennis and Mary’s car.

The next morning we planned our first “date”. Just the two of us. And we never looked back. We were hook, line, and sinker. We spent every moment together that we could. We discovered that we were compatible on all levels. But mostly just at peace with each other.

We were raising our daughters. He understood my tears when Mother’s Day or the boy’s birthdays made me over sensitive. But he was always there to give me that smile, hold me gently, or remind me how much I was loved.

For the first time in my life there was unconditional love. No jealousy. No fear. When he looked into my eyes I felt like I was the most beautiful woman in the world.

For my daughter’s 18th birthday I received divorce papers and a demand for child support for my son. I earned $500 too much to receive legal aid. His lawyer was asking for $600 a month child support. That was half my take home pay. When I said I would agree to pay for any school supplies, clothing, etc. the response was, “Isn’t your son worth $600?” There was no child maintenance income based rates then. The amount was negotiated through the courts. Randy was an alcoholic. I went to consult a lawyer, she wanted a $5000 retainer. I drove back to Brian’s sobbing. Not knowing how I would pay rent, pay my car expenses, and help my daughter in university.

To be continued..

May I be safe. May I be healthy. May I be happy. May I live with ease.

I had remembered Brian from high school. My grade nine homeroom was just down from the grade twelve section. This was the early 70’s. The grade twelves in our school had their own smoking/ tv room, with their own vending machines. I developed early and had been “dating” since I was 12-13 yrs old. I remember Brian standing at his classroom door laughing with Gordie, Grant, and Al. We often ended up at the same parties but I didn’t really know him. Then I got busy with my own life after grade 10 and 17 years of marriage.

As I walked into the Legion that day, I realize that I definitely recognized Brian Buss as he was walking from the bar. Then I realize that he was sitting with my friends, Mary and Dennis, who had invited me to join them. As I sat down and was introduced, I told Brian that I had known him in high school. Well, from that moment on, he realized I knew just about everybody he knew. And not only that but I had grown up in Tyndall with not only his first wife, but also his second. His ex sister-in-laws had been in my schools growing up.

Not only that, we discovered that his daughter Rayla was named after Ray Hurrell who when I was little would care for me when my mom and dad went hunting. His wife was Lucy then. But he had married Brian‘s mother-in-law Bea. Hence Papa to Rayla. Small world.

We definitely hit it off. In the next little while if I happened to be in the Beausejour/Tyndall area, he would suddenly kind of show up at different things that I was at and especially if Dennis and Mary were involved. They were definitely manipulating the visits a bit.

This was early January. I was living an hour and a half away at the time. Let’s go for coffee was a long drive for both of us. Come over to watch Jets hockey was a late night out with work the next day. The phone calls increased just to talk. Finally while intermission of the Jets game I asked, “ are we just friends or more?”

Shyly he explained that the last time he had made a move on a friend, he had lost the friend. He explained that he really liked me and enjoyed our time together always. And he didn’t wanna lose that. And even though he was extremely attracted to me, he was extremely careful not to get hurt again. Plus he had come out of two very strained relationships.

And so we remained good friends seeing each other almost once a week until that didn’t quite work for us.

To be continued….

May I be safe. May I be healthy. May I live with ease.

This summer I will have been a widow for 25 years. In that 25 years, I’ve met a couple of people that I enjoyed spending my time with, but never met anyone that came close to my husband, Brian.

Once in a lifetime, we meet that person who can make us feel the most attractive that we’ve ever felt, the most loved person in the world, and the person that gets you. Our love was unconditional. No jealousy. No anger or fear. Just joy.

In the five years that we got to spend together, we only had one argument. And that argument was absolutely ridiculous yet important to me at the time. It was a debate on the immigration policies of Canada and the amount of Vietnamese boat people that were now taking up residency in Winnipeg. I remember yelling at him that for a so called socialist he was pretty closed minded to the plights of the world. By that evening we were laughing. We had calmed down and had a discussion. And we called the girls to tell them we had a fight. They were pissed they missed it.

My first marriage was to a very troubled 19-year-old only a few months before my 17th birthday. I became a wife. Within the next five years I had my three children. I loved being a Mom. My husband worked hard to provide for his family, but he suffered from alcoholism and low self-esteem that unfortunately resulted in being an extremely controlling and angry man. He judged my every word and action. Any moment could turn into not loving him right. From how I made his toast and peanut butter to how I dressed, and who I said hi to.

My friends young husband and brother were killed in a plane crash. They were the same age as we were. When he got home from work I ran into his arms crying. My thoughts had been for my friend now left to raise two small boys and wanting to just be grateful that my husband was here. As he asked me what was wrong I said Louie’s plane had crashed. Before I had a chance to say anything else he asked angrily, “ And who the hell was he to you that you are crying this hard?” I learned not to go to him for comfort ever.

We were married 17 years when I finally had to just leave. I had been beaten emotionally until I had attempted suicide twice. His alcoholism made him extremely paranoid. He loved me. I’d loved him. But he was killing himself with alcohol and taking me with him.

Leaving him cost me seven years from my boys. Their dad was definitely a “You’re either with me or against me” kind of guy. He was so hurt and angry that I left that he wanted to see me miserable. He knew that as a mom the worst thing he could do was keep me from my boys. If it hadn’t been for my daughter, I don’t know what I would’ve done.

I had to live through almost 2 years of hell after I walked out that door. But then someone came into my life that made me happy for the first time in a relationship. It started in Beausejour Legion with a Celtic rock band called the Dust Rhinos.

To be continued.

May I be safe. May I be healthy. May I be happy. May I live with ease.

Definitely a snowy blowy day today. Yesterday I was very lucky to get a Cortizone shot in my right shoulder. My right arm has been bothering me for almost 2 months. I tried physiotherapy and medication and nothing would clear up the inflammation around my rotary cuff.

I have a very high threshold of pain, but at times it was a good eight out of ten level. I am definitely hoping that this Cortizone will relieve some of the inflammation.

I’ve had my arthritis in different stages since I was 12. I have learned to deal with the day-to-day aches and pains. Of course the damp, cold, low pressure days can be a little bit more stressful, but generally I can tolerate it.

You add my arthritis to a degenerative spine condition, which causes pain from my C4 and C5 vertebrae, and I’m just a barrel of monkeys. Oh, and don’t let me forget about my planter fasciitis. And you have to also include my type two diabetes, which causes funny little tingling in my feet and lower limbs that apparently is caused by the nerve endings being damaged. My sleep apnea is controlled with my handy dandy CPAP machine.

And of course there is also the vertigo that I get attacked with every couple years, plus I seem to get pneumonia about every 3 to 6 months, and apparently I suffer from some severe depression at times.

Yet each day my goal is to have the best time and manage to do the most exciting things that I can that make me happy. I have learned over the years that if I don’t move I seize up. And the more I seize up the more depressed I become.

Sadly, during a bout of depression, my go to is food and eating. And it’s usually all the bad foods that I can’t eat a lot of. So I eat the chips, ice cream, bread, and chocolate bars, and feel the effects from my high blood pressure, type two diabetes, my arthritis, and my weigh scale. I have an extremely slow metabolism. That means that long as I’m exercising and not eating starchy and high sugar foods, I can maintain my weight. But soon as I add any really good stuff, then I gain weight. I have always tried to stay around 1000 cal a day if I’m losing weight. About 1500 cal a day if I want to maintain my weight. When I get into my depression, I will eat until I have an aching stomach, feel nauseous, and I am totally uncomfortable. I have been to the point where I could hardly fall asleep because of over eating.

Today starts my road to getting better. First thing I did was find something exciting to look forward to. Something that I need to be in shape for. Something that will make me feel good both inside and outside. So I’m doing a 5 km foam bubble race fundraiser run for the Make a Wish Foundation in July!!

Unfortunately, every day is often a struggle. I can give into it and destroy myself both mentally and physically. Or I can remember all the other wonderfully great things that I have in my life. The beauty, the kindness, the people, and the joys that I experience every single day. Today I choose me. Today I can move. Today I can eat well. Today I can strive to do my best for me.

May I be safe. May I be healthy. May I be happy. May I live with ease.

It’s been quite a year. Lots of things accomplished. Even more things procrastinated about. But all good things accomplished by the end of the year.

Now just waiting to get a cortisone shot in my inflamed right shoulder. Hard time with my phone or keyboard without a lot of pain. So much more to come in the new less pain new year.

May I be safe. May I be healthy. May I be happy. May I live with ease.

A long time ago I made a promise to myself. I promised that I would never purposely ever hurt another human being. There is enough pain in this world caused by humans. I never wanted to be one that adds to other peoples pain.

But then I seem to have forgotten along the way that I am a human. I am not perfect. I have my bad points. The faults have been evident often. And even if I don’t mean to hurt people, sometimes I do with my words or actions.

This week was horrific for a couple of reasons. One, I unintentionally made a joke that ended up hurting somebody deeply. I was very lucky to have them forgive me. I was not so lucky at getting myself to forgive myself.

Depression is horrendous, an emotional roller coaster. I had been riding up high for a long time. When you crash, it seems to take over your entire being again. I thought I had moved past that. It took a lot to accept that I wasn’t able to remain in my little happy world.

This week has been a lot of forgiving myself. Remembering that I’m a good person. Remembering that I’m not perfect. Remembering that I can’t expect everybody else to just know I would never hurt them. Remembering that a lot of people do know I love them.

I have stopped procrastinating this week. Started eating well again. Got all those little chores done that I have been putting off. And I was good to myself this week.

So next week I hope to continue my climb back out of the pit and into the sunlight. Thank you to everyone who is being here to support me, you don’t know how much it’s appreciated.

May I be safe. May I be healthy. May I be happy. May I live with ease.

I am back. I realize I kind of disappeared off the face of my internet blog world for a while but I was having fun in the great outdoors, with friends and family, and just being as happy as possible.

And that is what it is all about.

Sadly I have watched friends and acquaintences have to deal with the drama and bullshit that causes anxiety and heartache. I try to be there for people that need someone to listen. Someone to show that they actually give a crap about how they feel.

I always admit when I can empathize but I really don’t have a clue to the degree of pain they are in because each one of us has a different threshold. Life and experiences have molded each one of us differently.

Domestic violence, both physical and emotional, and alcohol abuse was part of my day to day life for the first 35 years of my life. So I became great at problem solving, critical thinking, and crisis prevention. I learned how to survive.

The next 20 years was filled with love and loss. I again learned how to survive after having a great and unconditional love. I fought through it all. I had many joys and between my personal life and work life I thought my confidence was returning.

When I was hit by major losses and changes my world started to crumble. I cried from morning to night. I sat at my desk at work and cried. I sat at home and cried. And then I crashed. I wanted to die. I was a liability to everyone around me. Then I called my children and my psychologist.

It took a long time and a lot of work to come back. But I have arrived. I have my days when I am falling into the pit. Because I have good friends and family that are there for me, I can find the strength to fight back out. And that is the key. You must find the supports that are right for you. It may be a counselor or spiritual leader. It may be your family physician. It may be a long term friend who knows the good, bad, and ugly of your life. It may be that new friend that is strong, caring, and willing to listen. You need someone to help hold you when you get out of the pit. It’s been scary and horrible. Take the comfort and love from your supports.

So I am back. I have a long cold winter ahead. I still find my joys, it just takes more layers of clothing to get out there. I have all the blessings I need for now. I do love happy. I hope I can help some others find their happy.

If you have any questions or topics you want discussed, you can e-mail me at HappyWhereru@gmail.com

May I be safe. May I be healthy. May I be happy. May I live with ease.