It’s been quite a year. Lots of things accomplished. Even more things procrastinated about. But all good things accomplished by the end of the year.

Now just waiting to get a cortisone shot in my inflamed right shoulder. Hard time with my phone or keyboard without a lot of pain. So much more to come in the new less pain new year.

May I be safe. May I be healthy. May I be happy. May I live with ease.

A long time ago I made a promise to myself. I promised that I would never purposely ever hurt another human being. There is enough pain in this world caused by humans. I never wanted to be one that adds to other peoples pain.

But then I seem to have forgotten along the way that I am a human. I am not perfect. I have my bad points. The faults have been evident often. And even if I don’t mean to hurt people, sometimes I do with my words or actions.

This week was horrific for a couple of reasons. One, I unintentionally made a joke that ended up hurting somebody deeply. I was very lucky to have them forgive me. I was not so lucky at getting myself to forgive myself.

Depression is horrendous, an emotional roller coaster. I had been riding up high for a long time. When you crash, it seems to take over your entire being again. I thought I had moved past that. It took a lot to accept that I wasn’t able to remain in my little happy world.

This week has been a lot of forgiving myself. Remembering that I’m a good person. Remembering that I’m not perfect. Remembering that I can’t expect everybody else to just know I would never hurt them. Remembering that a lot of people do know I love them.

I have stopped procrastinating this week. Started eating well again. Got all those little chores done that I have been putting off. And I was good to myself this week.

So next week I hope to continue my climb back out of the pit and into the sunlight. Thank you to everyone who is being here to support me, you don’t know how much it’s appreciated.

May I be safe. May I be healthy. May I be happy. May I live with ease.

I am back. I realize I kind of disappeared off the face of my internet blog world for a while but I was having fun in the great outdoors, with friends and family, and just being as happy as possible.

And that is what it is all about.

Sadly I have watched friends and acquaintences have to deal with the drama and bullshit that causes anxiety and heartache. I try to be there for people that need someone to listen. Someone to show that they actually give a crap about how they feel.

I always admit when I can empathize but I really don’t have a clue to the degree of pain they are in because each one of us has a different threshold. Life and experiences have molded each one of us differently.

Domestic violence, both physical and emotional, and alcohol abuse was part of my day to day life for the first 35 years of my life. So I became great at problem solving, critical thinking, and crisis prevention. I learned how to survive.

The next 20 years was filled with love and loss. I again learned how to survive after having a great and unconditional love. I fought through it all. I had many joys and between my personal life and work life I thought my confidence was returning.

When I was hit by major losses and changes my world started to crumble. I cried from morning to night. I sat at my desk at work and cried. I sat at home and cried. And then I crashed. I wanted to die. I was a liability to everyone around me. Then I called my children and my psychologist.

It took a long time and a lot of work to come back. But I have arrived. I have my days when I am falling into the pit. Because I have good friends and family that are there for me, I can find the strength to fight back out. And that is the key. You must find the supports that are right for you. It may be a counselor or spiritual leader. It may be your family physician. It may be a long term friend who knows the good, bad, and ugly of your life. It may be that new friend that is strong, caring, and willing to listen. You need someone to help hold you when you get out of the pit. It’s been scary and horrible. Take the comfort and love from your supports.

So I am back. I have a long cold winter ahead. I still find my joys, it just takes more layers of clothing to get out there. I have all the blessings I need for now. I do love happy. I hope I can help some others find their happy.

If you have any questions or topics you want discussed, you can e-mail me at HappyWhereru@gmail.com

May I be safe. May I be healthy. May I be happy. May I live with ease.

It’s been a great July. Work good. Family good. Friends good. Garden good. Weather fairly good. And before I knew it August 1 was here.

August first and full moon. I have been a little touchy lately. I went for a ct scan in early July. Discussed results with my family doctor July 17. Lungs clear. Thickening of the bronchial tubes. Need to keep using medicated inhaler. But it did find irregularities in my thyroid. So I am scheduled for an ultrasound to check for lumps on my thyroid.

First thing I did when I got home was goggle Mayo Clinic and Thyroid cancer. And what the hell does a thyroid do anyway?? It helps with hormones and metabolism. 🤣 Both of those have always been wacky. But it is an easily managed cancer. Very non evasive treatments. IF there is even a node. BUT:

I am logical enough to realize that since I heard the words possible lump, I have continued to experience all the symptoms. Sore throat, clearing of throat, tiredness, swelling of glands, voice change, hard to swallow.

So I must continue to relax, meditate, and not succumb to unrealistic anxiety. Today I snapped at a friend. She was extremely upset and I tried to apologize. I try to blame it on the full moon but really I was just being an over sensitive bitch.

Tomorrow I will worry about tomorrow. I will live today. And I will hope they schedule the ultrasound soon. This full moon too shall pass.

May I be safe. May I be healthy. May I be happy. May I live with ease.

Well, here I am again, but I have accomplished one more thing. I have removed one more regret.

I was determined also, that the next time everybody got together to celebrate me, it wouldn’t be at my funeral.

Tonight I will wear my cap and gown and receive my diploma. Some of my children and grandchildren will be there to witness it. But last Friday night I had my Grad Party at the local saloon. People I had known all my life, new friends, old friends, colleagues, and family gathered to wish me the best.

As a young mother at 17, I envied my friends that were going to their graduation parties. The gowns, the hair styling, make up, and manicures. I never regretted having my children so young, but I did regret never accomplishing my grade 12.

So I did it all. And I loved it. I hadn’t worn makeup in 30 years.

But above all , I followed my dream. I was surrounded by friends and family who celebrated me. The feeling of being loved was amazing. And I have lived my life in a way that attracts that kind of positive support. I love them all so much.

Follow the dream. Just do it!!

May I be safe. May I be healthy. May I be happy. May I lived with ease.

There is so much in my world to be grateful for. Love of my family and friends. A warm, dry home. Food in my fridge. I have no drama. This took a long time to accomplish.

But this week has been tough. One of our sweet little daycare kids was diagnosed with cancer. He is this tiny adorable four year old that runs to me the moment I enter the daycare to receive his hugs and start his recital of the morning activities I missed.

He started chemotherapy this week. His family is low income with two other children. I can’t fix much but I did donate the $180 in gift cards I had left over from my Selkirk Writing Contest. Then my friend from New Brunswick sent $50. I matched her and got the family $100 in Safeway gift cards. That will help right away. As soon as I learned they were delivered I felt better. I had accomplished something to help.

I sent out a request for gift card donations on my Facebook page and it’s been shared over a hundred times in a few hours. Another friend just sent another $100. So grateful for their kindness.

People care. And though my heart was breaking for this little man, I have the hope that he will defeat this. That our love and support will keep his family strong for him.

Say a prayer for my little Zayden.

May I be safe. May I be healthy. May I be happy. May I live with ease.

I haven’t been writing much lately for two factors I think. One, I have been very busy with work, school, my gardens/yard, family, and friends. Two, life has been very very good. Not many triggers bringing back the unhappy times, which often drives me to share how I overcame them.

I work in a pre-school centre with children from two to five. Being semiretired I only work four hours in the afternoon. I get to play. I get to help children find happy. They get excited every day to see me. I get lots of hugs, love yous, and the best conversations.

These children struggle to understand strong emotions like anger, loss, and feeling alone. They are learning how to deal positively when someone doesn’t want to play with them. When someone has something they want. When they don’t want to go where a person of authority tells them to go.

How many of us are still struggling with these issues at 30,40,50,60,and older? Finding the tools to help us cope with the daily struggles in life, never mind serious trauma or crisis, is hard. Frustrations accumulate. Why can’t it just go right???

My children and I came from homes of trauma. We learned to deal with anger, cruelty, arguments, and basic emotional survival. We are all extraordinary problem solvers. But if you grew up on the Good Ship Lollipop, you have no skills to prepare you for conflict resolution. A whole other blog post topic.

I have discovered that much of my happiness is due to staying calm and thinking. As soon as my mind settles and I can think, solutions come quickly. With solutions and plans come a stress free life. Often the solution is to just let go of it. Leave it behind and forget about it.

The meditation really does it for me. It’s not hokum or hokey spokey gibberish. It is a method to calm and clear the mind to think. Like the big signs in the 70’s said: THINK

May I be safe. May I be healthy. May I be happy. May I live with ease.

(I won a Community Writing Contest with this Blog Assignment from my English class. So thought I’d share it.)

I grew up in a small village in rural Manitoba. I was the youngest of three children and the only girl. In the 60’s I could play outside all day, but my borders were Mrs. McKay’s house and Mr. Habar’s house. There were no girls in those two houses or the houses in between.  There were boys and I was the youngest child. My grandparents had immigrated from Northern Ireland and Sweden. We lived in an old house that had been moved off a farm and into the village. Wood stove, no plumbing, plaster walls, a kitchen, living room, basement, and an attic, our home. My brothers and I slept upstairs, and my mom and dad slept on the pullout sofa in the living room. My father was an ironworker with a grade 8 education. My mother was an avid reader and loved to learn. My father was a binge alcoholic who loved to fight the world, and the most charming and polite gentleman when sober. While away on construction sites he often would drink, gamble, fight, womanize, and lose all his pay cheque before he could get it back to Mom. Mom ran the home. She had a huge garden that produced what we lived on for the year. But we were poor. Dad’s Irish pride would not hear of his wife having to work.  Our only convenience was a large freezer to freeze wild meat and vegetables for our food supply. The rest was in the basement canned or in the root cellar.

Both my parents came from their own world of disfunction. My father’s family had addictions and depression. His brother committed suicide in the 50’s and my father was hospitalized for three months due to a mental breakdown when I was 9. My mother always held her emotions in check., I only seen her cry once. No hugs but caring. Her father had been a strict disciplinarian and was often abusive in his verbal and physical discipline. My mother’s sister died of a heroin overdose when I was about 4. My Mom often suffered the pain and bruises from Dad’s drunken temper. I learned early to be the good child. I learned early to be the peacemaker. I learned early how to distract my father so mom could go to bed unharmed. I learned early to really want to be happy. I should be happy. All the other kids seemed happy.

1.Survival

Ahhh a feeling of happy. A way to leave my unhappy home. My boyfriend had bought me an engagement ring and wedding ring when I just turned 15. He was controlling, chose my clothing told me who I could be friends with, where I could go to school, and who I couldn’t talk to. But he loved me. He was so jealous of any man I talked to or even looked at too long. Oh my he loved me so.  I learned quickly it was his way or no way, and I loved him. I was sure my love would make him more secure and happy. I had learned to be a peacemaker and a fixer to survive, and I could do this again. So at Christmas of my 16^th year we were engaged. He was working 12 hours a day and 7 days a week. We had financial security and love. Who could ask for anything more? I had done it. I was married, having a baby in the fall, and had my own home and family to care for.  After three years I was crying, banging walls, and hating myself. Dreaming of just being happy but I was just barely surviving. I loved my babies, born 15 months apart, and they made me laugh and smile.

 When I attempted to leave my husband my mother asked, “Does he hit you?” No, he never hit me, he punched walls, broke a knuckle, and said it was my fault for making him mad. “Well if he doesn’t hit you what’s the problem?”. My husband had often said that if I ever cheated on him, I could take my kids, leave, and never come back. Seemed a fool proof plan.  I made up a story that I cheated on him so he would let me leave. He forgave me but held it over my head for 20 years. I survived.

2.Finding Moments of Happy

I found that being in a stressful relationship and living with unhappy people wears on the soul. I am a survivor and one of the things that helped me survive was seeking and holding onto moments of joy. Each summer I spent the month of July with my Aunt Florence and Uncle Jack at their log cabin in Silver Falls. As I lay on my bed in the veranda, the summer breeze blowing gently across my skin, I could hear the rapids flowing, I could see the moon glistening off the water. There were no fights, no drunken arguments, great food, new clothes, and a movie theatre to go to. In their house in town, they had bridge parties and dinner parties with crystal goblets, polished silver, Royal Albert China, and soft green carpeting. At the cabin I would wander through the bush, climbing over the Canadian Shield rock formations, loving the Winnipeg River as it flowed past. I could swim for hours.  To this day, I love and find peace, with rocks and water. I learned to love the beauty of nature. Wildflowers, green moss, and the crunch of leaves on the forest floor. I found joy in the simple and quiet things.

3.Ups and Downs

I have suffered from depression all my life. But sadly, for the first 40 years I was in survival mode. I attempted to commit suicide when I was 25. My mom and dad had passed away two weeks apart when I was 23. My two-year-old nephew had drowned at my home the summer before. My great uncle had passed away at Easter. With three children and a ten-year marriage, I was sure I was a horrible wife, a horrible mother, and a failure as a person. My family would be better off without me. I had no one in my corner. Thankfully my youngest woke up in the middle of the night crying and I went to comfort him so I could get on with my plan. This woke everyone and I was to seek help. An anti-depressant knocked me out. Couldn’t stay awake. So stopped that. There were not a lot of services for mental health patients.  My friends were my savior. They all showed up one morning with coffee and treats and proceeded to clean my house from top to bottom. They made me feel valued. I learned to trust friendships.

4.Medications

I feared medication for my depression.  For one, I feared the addictions that plagued my family. Two, I had heard the numbing effect of drugs like Prozac and Paxil from the world of television and magazine articles. Yeah, the 70’s cure for home maker syndrome. It wasn’t until I had a breakdown at the age of 58 that I once again considered suicide as an end to the pain. My wonderful family doctor and my trusted therapist convinced me that Citalopram would help me way more than any side-affects would hurt me. Wow!! My psychologist helped me love myself. The medication helped me through the severe ups and downs of depression. Both allowed me to think. I quit trying to fix everything. I quit trying to make others happy. I quit assuming everyone found fault with me. I could see the world as it was.

5.Talk to Professionals

Friends and family are great supports, but they love you. They don’t always make you see the reality or the consequences of your behavior because they don’t want to hurt you. Plus, unaware to you, they may have their own triggers and traumas that affect how they treat your needs. So, don’t seek mental health advice from your loved ones. A certified professional psychiatrist, psychologist, or counselor can help you find your reality, your heart, and your spirit again. There is a security and comfort in confiding in someone who has no stake in you except to help you be happy. Although finding a good mental health professional can be difficult, it is worth being patient and getting the help you need. If you don’t “click” with your professional, then move on to the next one. You must be able to trust this person. You must be able to be you with this person.

Find books that are recommended by professionals to help you. These are three that helped me immensely. I thank my psychologist every day for guiding me to books that I can grab on the days when the pit of despair looms just ahead. The Mindful Path to Self-compassion by Christopher K. Germer, Phd., Mind Over Mood by Dennis Greenberger, and The Assertive Workbook by Randy J. Paterson, Phd. Cognitive therapy worked for me.

6.Call for Help

Call for help. Call a friend. Call a family member. In the depth of depression our thoughts are unable to see the positives and possibilities of our lives. We can only see that everyone would be better off without us. Call.

Mobile Crisis Unit Selkirk 204-482-5376

Crisis Response Centre Winnipeg 204-940-1781

Manitoba Suicide Line (24 Hours) 1-877-435-7170

Interlake Crisis 866-427-8628

Anishnawbe Mental Health Crisis Services 855-242-3310

Conclusion

Here I am at the twilight of my life. I am happy. I am at peace. I have no regrets. I have no guilt. I love the me that I have become. I am sorry there was no one to tell a little girl that she was wonderous. I am sorry there was no one to tell a little girl she was perfect just the way she was. I am sorry that little girl didn’t live without fear and constant anxiety. I am sorry she couldn’t feel joy every day of her childhood.

I have children I am very proud of. They have kind hearts and gentle souls. I have taught them to appreciate the beauty this world holds and to always search for their happy. I hope I am an example for them. Dreams do come true. Peace is possible. Love and be loved but above all else love yourself. It is not up to you to fix the world. You are only responsible for your reactions to the world and humanity. Be kind. Be caring. Be compassionate. Breathe. Be at peace.

I realize I am more calm and relaxed when I am near rocks and water. I know it’s because as a child my happiest moments were near rocks and water. The western edge of the Canadian Shield provided the place.

My old Swedish Great Uncles were five bachelors living in a blue cabin built on a huge rock at Brereton Lake. There are pictures of me feeding a squirrel at the age of three. Sitting on the dock with an orange life jacket that looked like balloons tied around me.

My next joyous memory is spending each July at my Aunt Florence’s at Silver Falls. My Uncle Jack built the cottage with 10 inch logs in 1936. It was their first home when they married. I slept in the veranda. I could hear the falls, smell the fresh air, and feel the cool summer breezes. I would wander through the bush climbing over the huge rock formations. At moments, after I was 10, I could wander on my own, I would find a favourite spot where I could sit and stare into the rushing water of the Winnipeg River. I knew peace.

I attended my first movie in a theatre in Pine Falls. My Uncle was a Supervisor at the Paper Mill and they had a new house in the town. Lots of visits and dinners with their friends. No arguments. No heavy drinking. Swimming every day. Great food. New clothes. Adventurous drives to pure sand beaches and picnics. Not one bad memory.

My aunt sold the cabin in the mid-seventies and moved to Winnipeg. Over the years I would drive down the road but I would never pull in. My old self would go through my fears, “What if they tell me to go away? What if I get too upset? What if they think I am an intruder and start screaming at me?” I am not saying the fears were logical. Just real.

Yesterday was Mother’s Day. I had rented a car to drive for four hours to enable me to watch my 13 year old granddaughter in her first role in a community theatre play on the Friday. Next day drove the four hours back, plant shopped, and then drove into Winnipeg for a Bon Voyage party at a pub.

By the next morning I was up and out the door to take photos of my favourite rocks and water spots.

I headed for Pine Falls. Past the farm fields, peat moss fields, forest, and swamps. As I got closer, the huge rock cuts blasted away almost 75 years ago, greeted me. I had reached the Canadian Shield.

I took pictures of the Pine Falls dam, and down to where the pulp wood used to be stored for the now closed pulp mill. The river here is so beautiful. I had breakfast with a dear old friend and then I was on the move again.

I turned into Silver Falls. As I went along I recognized cabins, rock outcrops, and turns. Way more cabins than 55 years ago. A gentleman was jogging so I asked if he would know which used to be the Beatty cabin but he hadn’t been there long enough but directed me to the oldest residents along that stretch. I drove in a driveway I thought might be it. I introduced myself as Carol Hunter, niece of Jack and Florence Beatty. And it was their original neighbour in a new house. His old log cabin was gone and replaced by a new house. He informed me that the old 1936 long cabin of my aunt’s was gone too but Mrs Rusk still lived there at 89. I thanked him and drove next door. Mrs. Rusk was on her front deck with her son and grandkids. As soon as I said who I was she started with stories and memories.

I took pictures and let my memories warm my heart. I regretted not being braver long time ago. But I have grown so much as a person. I know where my zen place is. Rocks and water.

May I be safe. May I be healthy. May I be happy. May I live with ease.

It’s Annual Physical time. At 65 I am very grateful to open my eyes each morning. I have only really taken an interest in my physical health when I got past 45. My mental health at 55.

I have a lot of shit wrong with me. Type 2 diabetes. Degenerative spine, C4/C5 (lower neck). Arthritis. Plantar fasciitis. Chronic asthma/bronchitis caused by 40 years of smoking and long Covid. Severe Vertigo once every couple of years. High blood pressure. Sleep apnea. Low good cholesterol. Severe depression. All require medication, exercise, treatments, and hope.

Some problems are genetic. Both my parents had spinal fusions. Both my parents and brother died of lung cancer. My paternal family had suicides and hospitalizations due to depression.

Some ailments are the result of social economic realities in the first 30 years of my life. No dental care. A daily diet of pasta or potatoes. Living with an alcoholic in the home. Three children born by the age of 22.

But I keep moving. 3-5 km a day or more. Fresh vegetables daily. Chicken/seafood. Due to my love of bread I cannot eat it. I will gluttonize. I try not to buy chips, ice cream, bread, or chocolate anything. All those things become treats when I go out somewhere.

I try really hard to follow my doctor’s instructions. I do physiotherapy and follow recommended exercises. I stay away from fad diets and fad supplements. And I do it all because I love me!!! I have a high quality of life. I can still have adventures. I still love learning. I love my world and all it’s wonders. I love my fantastic family and friends. But more than all that, I love me!!!

Go forth and love yourself to the best of your ability!!

May I be safe. May I be healthy. May I be happy. May I live with ease.