I have been extremely fortunate to have been loved unconditionally by a wonderful man. That love you feel when someone looks in your eyes from across the room and you both smile and know that you have each other’s never ending love. The way he looked at me I felt beautiful and wanted. No jealousy. No doubt. No worry. No fear. My first true happy.

As a widow at 41 I was devastated. And after a couple of years very lonely. I had only been with two men. My first husband for seventeen years and my second for five years. My first husband had been controlling and insecure about every action and reaction. He was a very sad and angry very often. Extremely negative. Died of alcoholism.

Brian was the opposite in many ways. Easy going. Loved to go on road trips, loved my music, loved family gatherings. Hard working, his kids were first priority, loved sports, and a great dad. Sexy and passionate. My best everything.

I went through some of the grieving stages. I was angry that he left me alone. I was angry with God for taking away my first true feeling of happy. We were supposed to end up being that cute old couple walking down the sidewalk holding hands. He was not supposed to die at the age of 44 of prostrate cancer.

In around 2000 I bought my first computer. My daughter had gotten a summer job in Romania. And I was able to contact her daily with Yahoo! Messenger. Along with yahoo game accounts, I made a profile. And then I joined the yahoo games groups. We played crib. We played solitaire. We played pyramids, and I got to meet some wonderful people from the United States, Ireland, and from all across Canada.

I would spend hours and hours on the computer. It filled the quiet hours in my apartment. And with my depression it allowed me to hide. Over 20 years later, I am still friends with one of the original players at the yahoo games. She is a wonderful retired lawyer in New York.

Along with those nice normal people that love playing games, there came along the chat searchers. Almost every conversation started with “Hi beautiful I would love to be able to have some time to see what we have in common.” Or it might be, “Oh you’re a widow. Sadly I too know how painful that can be.”

Many of these people profess to have wonderful jobs in exotic countries with no one to love them. And if you agree to keep chatting with them they will spend an extraordinary amount of time “falling in love” with you. Sometimes after months, after you have talked often of meeting in person, after you have looked forward to each one of his calls, after he has made you feel loved and beautiful he has a disaster happen.

That disaster is a well thought out plan. The man usually claims to be an American or Canadian working on a project in a place like Africa, or a Middle East country, Qatar, etc.

An example: He claims to have been getting sick. This could be a few days. He needs some medication but the drug store here won’t take Visa and his bank account is not completely finished updating for his new location. He makes comments like, “I don’t know what to do? Damn I am so alone here. Being able to talk to you makes it at least bearable.”

He knows he has prepped this well if he reads your next chat and it says, “Oh hon. I feel so bad for you. Isn’t there someone who can help you?”

He will then convincingly explain some company or government reason for no access to accounts. His family from the States are on holidays, “Remember me telling you about Mary and family going up into the remote Rockies for a holiday? They left last night for two weeks. So they can’t even wire me the money!!”

Then he knows he has got her when she asks, “Well how much do you need?”

“Only $500 and here I am with a $50,000 Visa and I can’t pay that!LOL”

“Well what if I send you the money?”

“No I can’t ask you to do that. I hate that medications here are so expensive.”

“No I want to. You can wire me back the money when your account opens up.”

And he knows he has been successful. Now anything is possible. He may even wire her back a part payment to build the trust and affection. Next time he has been robbed and can’t get out of the country without his passport and cards. The woman sends thousands. There is a problem with the government regime. The American consulate is working on his passport. He has to pay corrupt immigration officials. The corrupt immigration official even sends chat messages or emails to the woman with threats of harm to her loved one. Some have people local that can phone and harass the woman. This is big business.

In Canada in 2021, $64 BILLION was lost through romance fraud. They are good. A few times I enjoyed being flirted with. I enjoyed being attractive to someone. But unless your internet interest is local, do not engage. NEVER give money to anyone that you have never met face to face.

Protect your heart and your money. A true love is someone that holds your hand and you can feel their heart.

May I be safe. May I be healthy. Maybe I be happy. May I live with ease.

My family is the most important thing in my life besides my own wellbeing. I would do anything in my power to help them. I would move heaven and earth to protect them. I have to trust their judgement as adults. I try to only provide advice if it is asked for. And that almost kills me.

But the next most important element in my life are my friends. Like the old saying about some people come into your life for a season, I have had many wonderful friends that I know were in my life for maybe a short time, but for a very important reason.

We have all had work friendships. Some last for the term of the employment and some last for a lifetime. I still have friends that I developed in the second job I ever had in my life.

I have childhood friends that are almost like extended family. They know all about my childhood and where I grew up. There is definitely no explanations needed and I can say, “Hey, isn’t it nice when we could go to Vickies?” and they know exactly where I’m talking about.

What I have learned in the last five years is that you have to take the time to let those friends know you care. It can be as simple as sending a text message out of the blue that says I love you, thank you for being my friend. Too often we assume that our friends know how important they are to us. I have friends that I sometimes don’t talk to for months because we don’t live in the same area.

My depression would often isolate me. I would just not want to have to talk. It’s crazy that talking is often what helps us heal. Before my self-compassion improved, I would often assume that people didn’t want to be close friends with me. If I didn’t get asked out to social events, or invited for dinner, I would assume that they didn’t care. Now I realize that we all have busy lives. And it’s easy to have friendships take the backseat. As a good friend I really attempt to let people know I care about them and that I’m here if they need me. Just because I haven’t text them at least twice a week it doesn’t mean that I don’t think about them, or that I don’t love them as much as I ever have.

To my friends: Thank you for always being there if I need you. I will try harder to find time for us to get together. Call me anytime day or night if you need me.

JAMES TAYLOR’S YOU’VE GOT A FRIEND!!! BEST SONG EVER!!!

May I be safe. May I be healthy. May I be happy.

May I live with ease.

I was chatting with a good friend, who was saying how hard it is when someone is being negative all the time. Every conversation they have is filled with hatred, resentment, and anger. You love this person to death, and you really want to be able to help them, but they’re not at a place where they wanna help themselves.

Having been in that kind of situation before, the only advice that I could give her was to make sure she stayed happy. Sometimes the people that we love need that extra push to be able to deal with their own issues.

I have often heard the comment, “But you don’t understand! I need to vent to somebody! I need to tell somebody about all these things that are horrible in my life!! I love you and I want you to listen to me!!”

But if that listening hurts, or brings you to the dark place, often called the dark pit of despair, you have to take a step back. You can tell that person I love you. I care about you. But I am not able to help you get better. Your negativity is beginning to affect my wellbeing.

Have some resources and contact information ready to give them. It is their choice to move forward. It is your choice to not move backwards.

Manitoba 211 24/7 Help Services

Mental Health to Emergency Housing.

https://mb.211.ca/?gclid=EAIaIQobChMI1Ny6roOy_QIVvAznCh3q4gUFEAAYBCAAEgLKB_D_BwE

May I be safe. May I be healthy. May I be happy. May I live with ease.

We’ve had another week of -34 wind, chills, stuck inside, dressed super warm to even think of going outside. And way too long wearing snow boots. I love my walking but my feet don’t love winter boots.

About 10 years ago, I started waking up in the mornings and my heels would hurt like really bad stinging. I never really thought about it too much because it went away as soon I walked around for a little while. Then I was silly enough to run for a bus one day. As I almost reached the bus stop in time I felt a pop and a searing pain in my foot. I slowly limped back to my apartment and called my boss who volunteered to drive me to Pan Am Sports clinic.

There I discovered I had plantar fasciitis and that the fascia that stretches over the heel and up to the balls of my feet had torn severely.

The pains that I had felt every morning as I got out of bed, were the facia slowly tearing a little bit every morning as it would be tightened against my heels, and then, because I had no arch support would be torn every time I stood up. So, each day they would stretch and heal, to only be torn every morning until they stretched again.

So after the cast came off I had to throw out all the 19.95 runners, sandals, and shoes. Plantar fasciitis is generally a result of lots of walking in non-supportive footwear. So the years of walking barefoot or in cheap flat sandals and runners, slowly causes the arch to become weak and the tearing to occur. I only buy athletic shoes with strong arch support now. Although New Balance are my favourites, I have also purchased Merrill’s and Clarkes. Expensive but eliminates the pain.

Almost every mid-February beginning of March, my plantar fasciitis flares up badly. And although I have indoor running shoes that I put on as soon as I get out of bed every morning, I still walk 3-5 km a day. Winter means I have to wear my boots more and more. Especially in the -30 C weather. And they are just not made for weak arches even with support liners.

So here I sit in my living room, rolling my foot onto a bottle of ice to take down some of the swelling. Wishing for some warmer weather and time to get outside and walk all I want without boots.

May I be safe. May I be healthy. May I be happy. May I live with ease.

My go to advice for almost every situation, and every person I’ve ever known has been, “It’s OK, it’ll all work out in the end.”

But as I’ve gotten older, I realize that I used it so often because that’s how I lived my life. And the better I felt about myself, the better the endings.

If I had to fight to keep something, my determination would make sure that it all worked out in the end

If I had to stop fighting because I was hurting myself more than I was gaining something then I had to learn to just accept it. As I accepted it, it all worked out in the end.

I have been very blessed that with all the ups and downs in my life, all the heart aches and sorrows, my life is pretty close to perfect as I get closer to my end.

So when you think that your day is just unbearable, and that you can’t imagine going one more step, take that deep breath and remember, it will all work out in the end. It always does.

May I be safe. May I be healthy. May I be happy. May I live with ease.

I don’t know how many times I read positive messages that say don’t give up , keep on trying, failures are only learning steps to your goal!! Frik that!!! Sometimes we have to give up.

My goal was to build an igloo. I did the research. I knew about how many balloons are needed. I filled lots of balloons with water. I put them out on my deck until they froze. And then at -25 I started to build my igloo.

Wow, this really works. Mixing a little bit of water and snow. Put on those ice fisherman gloves. And start mixing and using the snow mush as mortar between the ice balls. After a couple of hours of pulling and pushing and mixing the cement-like snow mixture, my right arm arthritis was screaming at me. But it was going so well!!! I will do more tomorrow.

That evening not only did I massage lots of Voltaren onto my arm, I was unable to use it for anything. I got out the heating pad, took some pain killers, and just rested my arms the whole night. In the morning it wasn’t aching quite as bad.

I woke to see the beginnings of an igloo. The three layers that I had been able to start and get put together were solid as a rock. There is no way I could’ve kicked out a block. I was confident the dome would be super strong and safe.

When I went to get ready to go outside I grabbed the ice fishing gloves and as I tried to pull them on a sharp pain ran up my right arm. I was so mad at my body. I hated it for a moment. Then I took my deep breath. May I be safe. May I be healthy. May I be happy. May I live with ease.

In order to take care of my own health and my own body I had to come to the realization that the igloo would have been a fantastic project 10 years ago before my arm joints reduced the strength I have. It was okay to give up. It wasn’t failure it was survival.

Staying active is what keeps me functioning both physically and cognitively. I always try to keep going. I try harder to exercise a little longer because I want to enjoy the best quality of life I can. I accepted that building an igloo was not the goal. Enjoyment and creativity was the goal and that I achieved.

May I be safe. May I be healthy. May I be happy. May I live with ease.

I grew up in an era of, “If you don’t stop your goddamn crying I’ll give you something to cry about.” Or, “I told you to go play or I’ll find work for you to do.” And the infamous, “We’re here to visit. I told you to sit quiet and not make a sound. Do not embarrass me!” And always the worst, “You are NOT hurt. Stop your goddamn whining!!”

I was very lucky that my parents did not believe in giving lickins (couldn’t find how to even spell that word) very often because when I did get one it was horrific. I had ridden my bicycle down the main street of my hometown and onto a major highway. So because I could’ve gotten badly hurt apparently that was the justification for using an ironing cord against my bottom.

I have to totally admit that much of my parenting was based on fear. The fear of my children having to see my disappointment if they made an error. The fear of being yelled at for a mistake in judgement. The fear of making an adult angry. I did love to play with my children. I loved games and laughter. I loved cuddles and kisses and I love yous. But I often pray they took more of the positive than the negative from their father and I.

Then I discover Early Childhood Education in the 80’s as a college student, parent, and child care worker. Behaviour Management. Learning consequences for behaviour. Time outs. Rewards for good behaviour. Learning through play and curriculum. I got this made. I love rules!! I love little kids!!

In the mid 90s, I choose to switch careers and go into business administration. Adults, computers, and only my grandkids to play with.

I have reached the semi retirement age and know that my joy is often attached to the laughter and the happiness of small children. Well, this old dog had to learn some new tricks, and the tricks are really quite good.

Back in the ECE setting I was introduced to this wonderful concept of raising secure, brave, well-behaved children who are able to not only manage their own feelings and their own situation’s, but also be able to go out there and just nail it as kind caring humans. And guess what? There are no time outs. There are no fear tactics. There is no yelling. There is no shaming. Oh my. Circle of Security.

I encourage every parent, grandparent, and just general humans to read about these concepts. I’ve watched them work with small children who my parents would’ve called little terrors. They are children who have experienced traumas and conflicts. Even our staff are using these concepts with each other. So that we always feel secure and cared about.

Please check it out. And free courses are available in almost every region of Canada and the United States.

What is the Circle of Security

May I be safe. May I be healthy. May I be happy. May I live with ease.

If you have come from a dysfunctional or low income family, one of the things that we learn at a very young age is to not tell anybody about the things that happened at home. And the phrase often heard from my mom and dad, “And it’s nobody’s business so don’t you go telling anybody what happens in this house!”

This exaggerated sense of privacy comes from fear that others will find out what your home life is really like. No play dates. No sleepovers. No family vacations to talk about when school starts.

There’s also the desire to protect the image and reputation of family members. Often in small communities everyone knows everyone. We don’t want others to learn about the horrific behaviour of a family member or how poor we really are.

And to add to my inability to share a lot, I was also the only girl on my street when I was little. As a result, I didn’t get to have the friendships of other little girls and unfortunately the neighbourhood boys were all a few years older than me. I was often the crash test dummy for go carts or locked in outhouses to keep me from disrupting their play. No one asked to play Barbie’s and I didn’t own one.

Growing up with the fear of being judged is a horrible stress to the human soul. As an adult I love to socialize and talk with family and friends but I am still uncomfortable talking about very private topics. Sexuality, income, politics, failures, personal crisis, are okay if general discussions. I tend to only share personal experiences with trusted family and friends.

At 65 I finally feel I can share more of my opinions and life experiences because I like me. I fight past the fear of sharing. I have discarded the shame associated with poverty, alcoholism, physical abuse, and emotional abuse. I love the human I am with all the successes and failures I have experienced in the past, present, and future. This blog is part of my path to sharing. Remember to love yourself always.

May I be safe. May I be healthy. May I be happy. May I live with ease.

I’ve kind of been feeling bad, because in the last couple of days, I haven’t accomplished a whole lot. And in our world, we tend to judge how well we are doing by what we have accomplished.

But then I take a deep breath, and I am thankful for all that hasn’t gone wrong. I am grateful that I can function without being overly productive. And then I have survived another day of trials and tribulations.

So, my friends, go forth today and remember that living in this world is not always easy. Some days we are just surviving. Tomorrow there’s always room for getting those jobs done. Today you just made you a priority.

May I be safe. May I be healthy. May I be happy. May I live with ease. ❤️

My most vivid memories of peacefulness always included rocks, water, and the bush. The waves against the shoreline, the green moss along the deer trail in the bush. The bright sunshine glistening off the water or shining through the trees. The beauty of all the little things nature gives us.

But on the other hand, when I was in a really good sunshiny mood and living in the middle of a large city, I would love to walk to the local park and just watch the people having fun laughing, and meeting up with family and friends. More joyful than peaceful. Enjoying the city around me.

It’s important for each of us to find that place of peace. A place where we can stop and just breathe. That’s our only goal is to breathe and look at the world around us. Find a place that has no pain associated with it. A place where every muscle in your body relaxes. Contemporary people have increased the usage of spas. And I believe that it’s because they haven’t found their relax place. Their happy place.

So be conscious of where your happy place is. Find it and use it. Your mind and body will tell you where your happy place is. Listen. It is where your deepest breath feels like every one of your senses are alive and happy.

May I be safe. May I be healthy. May I be happy. May I live with ease.